The Art of Making Friends: Kid Edition

Humans are social creatures. For that reason alone, the way we engage and connect with others in different social contexts is an important occupation in everyday life. In occupational therapy, social participation refers to meaningful interactions with others in ways that foster emotional growth and confidence. For kids, it shows up in how they play with peers, take part in school and group activities, and how they form and maintain friendships.

Social skills span a wide and nuanced range of abilities that are a fundamental component of social participation. When it comes to friendships, they hinge on a set of social-emotional traits that help kids connect, resolve conflict, and build trust over time. These include:

Communication – expressing thoughts clearly, active listening, using appropriate language; resolves disagreements constructively
Cooperation – sharing, turn taking, adapting and working with others toward a common goal
Empathy – recognizing and responding to others’ feelings; fosters emotional closeness
Perspective–taking – considering someone else’s point of view; reduces misunderstandings
Self-control – impulse control, emotional regulation, and patience; protects the friendship during conflict
Respect – using manners, honoring boundaries, showing kindness; builds a sense of trust, safety, and reliability
Problem-solving – resolving conflicts, negotiating, asking for help; handle disputes without damaging the relationship
Initiation – saying hello, joining in play, asking questions
Inclusiveness – welcoming and acceptive of others; strengthens group dynamics

These skills take time to achieve, and children learn them through observation, practice, and experience.

I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be Friends

From our Raising a Socially Successful Child post, we know that friendships are influenced by a set of nonverbal communication. Not only does this include body language and facial expressions, but also in rhythm, personal space, vocalics, and objectics (clothes, scent, accessories). These signals help kids determine if a peer is safe, approachable, and if they share the same vibe.

From that point on, it’s about finding the courage to say hello and take the first step toward joining in. Younger kids usually have a parent broaching these relationships initially; but at school, our kids are on their own. While some children naturally thrive in social settings, others may find it more challenging; whether it’s because of their temperament, insecurity, or they might just be intimidated. Play is the universal language of childhood and can ease those first interactions, whether through games, toys, or imaginative adventures.

Still, not every effort results in a lasting friendship. Learning to handle rejection or moments of exclusion is an important part of growing socially and emotionally.

For children, social interactions are a daily experiment in trial and error. It’s an ongoing process of learning how to connect, share interests, and build meaningful relationships. Each encounter offers a chance to practice engagement and deepen connection. But, how they interpret and navigate these friendships is shaped by their stage of social and emotional development.

Framing a Friendship

From a young age, kids are encouraged to “Be a good friend”. A child’s friendships grow and change alongside their emotional and social development. Children’s understanding of friendship evolves with age, shaped by their developing cognitive and emotional abilities. As they mature, they become more adept at recognizing and appreciating others’ perspectives, allowing for more nuanced and meaningful social connections.

Drawing from structured interviews with children across various age groups, psychologist Robert Selman developed a useful five-level framework that highlights how friendships evolve throughout childhood.

Momentary Playmates: “I Want It My Way” (3-6 years old)

In this stage of friendship, young children see friends as convenient playmates who share their interests. Their focus is on having fun, and they struggle to understand differing perspectives, often reacting strongly when others disagree. While they enjoy the idea of friendship and show clear preferences for certain peers, their ability to be consistent or reliable friends is still developing. Despite frequent shifts in behavior, a study found that 2/3 of preschoolers who claimed each other as friends were still friends 4-6 months later, showcasing the surprising stability of their relationship over time.

For Patti’s girls at this age, they seemed to make a new friend every other day. They would meet a new kid at the playground or at the pool and play for the entire outing. But when we’d ask “What’s their name?”, they apparently didn’t think to ask. When they hit school, names were a bit easier at least.

One-Way Assistance: “What’s in It for Me?” (5-9 years old)

At this level, children begin to see friendship as something that extends beyond shared activities, but their view remains largely self-focused. They value friends who do kind things for them, but don’t stop to think about what they themselves bring to the relationship. Friendship becomes important to them. In some cases, they may tolerate unkind behavior simply to maintain a sense of belonging or to be able to say they have a friend. Others may begin to use friendship as a form of social currency, offering or withdrawing it depending on how their peers behave.

Ever find random things in your kid’s backpack? We found that kids in this age group, especially girls, like to give “gifts”. We’re talking stickers, squishies, random plastic jewelry, friendship bracelets. But when Patti asked A&Z if they ever give gifts, the answer was no??? At the risk of having things go missing from her house, she at least encouraged them to reciprocate.

Two-Way, Fair-Weather Cooperation: “By the Rules” (7-12 years old)

Children in this age range begin to consider others’ perspectives, but not simultaneously with their own, limiting their ability to reflect on relationship dynamics. They focus intensely on fairness and reciprocity, expecting equal exchanges in a rigid, tit-for-tat manner. Friendships may dissolve if these expectations aren’t met. This stage is marked by harsh self-judgment, jealousy, and a strong desire to conform. Children often create exclusive “secret clubs” with complex rules, though these are usually short-lived. You can’t sit with us….

Intimate, Mutually Shared Relationships: “Caring and Sharing” (8-15 years old)

At this stage, friendship is built on emotional intimacy, mutual support, and genuine care. Kids confide in each other, solve problems together, and show kindness without expecting something in return. For some—especially girls—this can become an intense “Joined at the Hip” phase, where best friends do everything together and feel deeply hurt by perceived disloyalty.

This is where you can see that sleepovers, playdates, birthday party invitations, things outside of school become really important. Gift-giving becomes more thoughtful.

Mature Friendship: “Friends Through Thick and Thin” (12+ years old)

In this final level, kids value emotional closeness and trust in their friendships. They’re able to appreciate differences, show less possessiveness, and feel secure even when friends form other relationships. Friendship becomes more resilient, marked by lasting support and connection despite time apart. Think about in middle school when kids start moving classes and you don’t necessarily have the same schedule as your friend. You don’t have to be together the whole day, but you still sit

While Selman’s framework illustrates the way kids think about relationships is qualitatively different at different ages as it becomes more progressively complex, it also shows that certain types of problematic social behavior are developmentally typical at specific ages, such as peer dynamics. This doesn’t mean we should overlook meanness between children, but it does suggest the importance of viewing social challenges through a developmental lens.

How to Succeed in Friendships

Forming meaningful connections relies heavily on a child’s emotional awareness, self-regulation, and overall social competence. By nurturing these foundational skills, we can help our kids pave the way for lasting friendships. Here are some ways to do it:

Be a warm and supportive parent. Research shows that authoritarian parenting and psychological control (guilt-tripping, shaming, emotional withdrawal) are linked to behavior problems and poor-quality peer relationships. In contrast, when parents respond with warmth and support (use of reasoning and constructive discipline), they help cultivate prosocial traits such as kindness, independence, and emotional self-control. These qualities make children more likely to build positive relationships and be well-liked by their peers.
Be their emotional guide. Supporting kids through difficult emotions helps them learn to manage those feelings in healthy, constructive ways. Studies have shown that children are more likely to develop strong self-regulation skills as well as positive peer relationships when parents respond to their emotions with empathy and guidance.
Help them with empathy. Role-play scenarios, encourage a change in perspective in a situation, and help them find similarities rather than differences in others. This not only develops empathy and POV, but also ways to problem solve, negotiate, and resolve conflicts.
Work on conversation. To make new friends, children need to develop basic communication skills, including introducing themselves, listening attentively, and responding appropriately in conversation. Model positive interactions at home and teaching specific techniques like active listening; using eye contact, body orientation, and thoughtful responses to show engagement. You can also FaceTime the grandparents and practice.
Allow for remorse and moving forward. Children are more likely to forgive peers who apologize or show remorse, even as early as age 4. As they mature, they become attuned to nonverbal signs of regret. However, the most effective way to mend a relationship is through action—making amends. Research shows that children feel better when a wrongdoer not only apologizes but also helps fix the harm done. Teaching kids to both express remorse and take steps to repair relationships is essential from a young age. And when your child has been wronged, take time to talk through the experience and explore how to move forward – especially if their friend is showing remorse and trying to make it better.