Based on our Playdate Reviews, you know that Mary and I have been doing bi-monthly playdates with our kids for over a year now since they’ve been in the school-age stage. But for the last couple big playdates, I started seeing some patterns.

I feel like what we are seeing is probably similar behavior to what you’ve seen when kids are in groups: talking over each other, getting louder in volume, fighting for attention and showing off, getting jealous, making rash decisions, and going apesh*t when the playdate ends.

At the end of these playdates, I’ve felt like I had to incessantly apologize and abort mission on more than occasion. Baby and toddler playdates are going to have a different vibe, obviously. We are far from the time when we could’ve just hung out with wine while the kids did whatever.

That is not to say that all playdates are like this. I look forward to picking and planning these outings and our kids very much see each other as best friends. So let’s talk about the ups and downs of playdate behavior and what Mary and I have done to stay cool.

Dysregulation

A playdate itself is going to be dysregulating. You are taking them out of their normal daily routine and most likely putting them with kids they don’t see very often outside of school. This is different from a neighborhood kid coming over and just playing in the yard, although that could be dysregulating as well. Birthday parties are also a big culprit of dysregulation; all leading to the big, baffling, challenging behaviors we’ve been talking about for the last couple weeks.

Social homeostasis is an adaptive function to regulate behaviors that govern social connection. This social balance is achieved by determining the quantity/quality of social contact to maintain our overall well-being. The best way to explain this that we’ve read compares it to a daily caloric intake; a social diet if you will.

Each day, we consume a certain number of calories to appropriately function and maintain regulation. But when we experience a caloric deficit or surplus, it alters our mood and behavior. The same occurs with people. As humans, we grow accustomed to a specified amount of social engagement on a regular basis. For kids, they get used to a daily routine of familiar faces and interactions. But when there are changes to that social schedule, like going to a birthday party or a playdate with friends, they can become dysregulated, manifesting as:

• Excitement – I’m so excited to see you! Let’s go ham!
• Anxiety – I don’t know how this will be, but I’ll put on a good face until it’s over.
• Sadness – I don’t want to leave! I want to stay and play with my friends!
• Overwhelm – That was so intense. I need a moment to myself because I can’t handle any more people.

For our Playdate Reviews, we also pick activities that the kids have never done before, which for good and bad gets them out of their comfort zone. We know and are prepared for these playdates to go either way, sometimes both ways. Knowing our kids, sometimes I let the playdate be a surprise. Other times, I will tell prep them or show them video of what we’re doing. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Kids will be kids

We all have stories about our kids being totally irrational or unempathetic or throwing a fit over something petty. Even though on playdates they are happy and excited to be with their friends, the ridiculousness is still going to happen and it might even seem magnified because you’re in public.

One time, one of the kids complained that another wasn’t going fast enough. One kid got a cake pop while the other was told no. One kid bought something at the Renaissance Fair and the other kid had to have one as well. One kid had a potty accident. In a group of three, one kid is always going to feel odd-man-out. There’s two girls and a boy, so sometimes there is a difference in pretend play ideas. Someone’s hurt. Someone’s cold. Chick-Fil-A is closed. All the drama.

When it seems like your kid is digging themselves in a hole and the tantrums seem to come back to back to back, just know that it’s not you. You don’t have a bad kid and of course, they never do this at home.

Playdates are going to be the full spectrum of “Best Day Ever” to “I hate my life” and back again. It’s another thing to be prepared for. You especially don’t want to guilt your kid for “being embarrassing” on a playdate, or for misbehaving unless they are actually doing something wrong/aggressive/unsafe.

Peer Pressure

Peer play allows children to develop social skills, regulate their emotions, and form a sense of identity. As our kids get older, their friends and peers become their greatest influences. We know about the negatives of peer pressure, but what about the good? As we’ve seen in our playdates, our kids provide each other with:

• Encouragement. When things get tough, they help each other through it (sometimes echoing the positive phrases we’ve told them when a task is hard). This was especially true during Treetop Quest.
  
  
• Friendship and support. No judgement. No criticisms. They are just happy to play and be together. See: Natural Waterslides playdate.
  
  
• Accountability. If one of them is acting up or out of the norm, the other two acknowledge the behavior and attempt to address it. If that doesn’t work, we usually hear about it to intervene.
  
  
• Social skills practice. When there’s a conflict, they try to hash it out with discussion, problem-solving, and negotiations. Sounds good on paper, but we assure you, the process can get loud and emotional. Pretty much the plot of every pretend play scenario these three have had in my basement.

Talk about it

Mary and I know we can be very different parents, but sometimes during playdates it becomes a lot more obvious. I am usually the over-prepared one. Mary is only dealing with one kid and it’s kind of a break/special time for her, whereas I still have to manage two. We have different rules, different boundaries. When A got scared of being too high during Treetop Quest, Mary got very anxious about not being able to help him. I, admittedly, am like “yeah, figure it out kid…”.

Even though we’ve known each other for 20 years now, we still have to touch base and be open about where we are in the present.

On our roller-skating playdate in particular, I was severely dysregulated. Like, full-on mean mommy. Right off the bat, I had to tell Mary that I was not okay. I was not prepared to handle my kids’ behavior, let alone their playdate behavior. Under normal circumstances, we could just let the kids loose, but roller-skating required instruction, coaching, attaboys and comforting after falls. This helped because Mary knew she had to fill in where I couldn’t.

Incidentally, my girls specifically asked to go roller-skating and still managed to go to the dark side.

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We hope this helps shift your perspective on playdate behavior. Sometimes they throw you some interesting curve balls; but at the end of the day, all of our kids end up having a great time and we get some great content to share with you.

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