Coffee Chat: Sports Mom-agement

Piggybacking off of Tuesday’s post, I wanted to chat a bit about managing our kids and their sports commitments. Growing up, I was always under the impression that kids just did sports as their school allowed. Most elementary schools don’t have sports teams, so any city teams or intramural prior to Interscholastic sports was just for fun. The real competition was when you made the school team and started playing other schools.

When my little sister hit 7-8 years old, my dad signed her up for softball. As a previous baseball/softball player himself, he of course was all in and she was on travel teams from then on. Practices and games became a priority, she didn’t really try any other sports, and I could tell this started a bit of a power shift in their house (I was already out of college and on my own). In addition to my sister playing, my dad was also assistant coaching and travel coordinating. It seemed like softball became much more important than rest or time with family. Eventually, my sister got recruited to play softball at a private high school and my parents moved states to accommodate it. She won multiple State Championships, and then COVID happened her senior year. No last season. No college ball.

I know this took it to the next level, but that doesn’t mean this type of commitment to kids sports isn’t common.

Post-pandemic, millennial parents are a bit more concerned about work-life balance and that includes the chaos of our kids’ schedules and their financial obligations. We don’t have as much money or time to throw around. So in this Pee Wee sports industrial complex, how do parents navigate within reason and without going crazy?

Establish Boundaries

In The Family Firm, Dr. Emily Oster talks about reframing problems through the lens of your family’s priorities. So as it pertains to sports, you need to figure out where you stand on:

Juggling multiple sports or clubs per year/season
Time allocated for each including practices, weekend games, and commute
Cost required for uniforms, equipment, travel expenses, fundraisers, team food and snacks, dues/membership
Attending extra camps/workshops/training
Whether activities cut into homework, rest, or family time
Does this activity demand that you give up another
If you have other children, are they receiving equal consideration for their activities
Does this activity require you to take time off work or use vacation days?

These are just a few things I’ve run into. Please share in the comments if you’ve had anything wildly unexpected pop up.

I’d also like to add that any thoughts/discussions of playing said sport in college while your kid is still elementary-age is beyond. That should not even be on your radar.

This Ain’t Mommy and Me Class

Once our kids hit older elementary age, the sports teams get more serious. Kids are expected to show up, be coachable, and stay focused because there will be actual competition. Coaches are not going to tolerate the one kid who’s out in the field picking flowers and playing with a truck. When my girls aged out of Kindergym (ages 3-5), I really could not imagine them having the discipline or precision to be on actual gymnastics apparatuses. This goes back to judging on if our kid’s temperament fits the sport.

It’s also important to remember that your kid is also in a growing body. That means eating for more energy, staying hydrated, getting more sleep. A lot of my younger cousins got sports injuries early on because they were doing a ton of physical activity and not stretching or doing post-care. This can also affect your kid’s growth plates later down the road. These are things we could reasonably expect a tween or teen to handle on their own; but for younger kids, you would need to be the one making sure this care gets done correctly.

Since this an OT blog, let’s wind it back to self-regulation. Sports and team schedules will have an effect on regulation, mood, and motivation. A kid is going to act very differently at a 3:30pm practice versus a 5:30pm practice. Last year, I had to fight tooth and nail to get my kids off the couch and ready for dance at 3:30pm on a Monday. But two days later, it was considerably easier to get them ready for gymnastics at 4pm. I attribute most of this to After School Restraint Collapse.

On the flip side, if your kid has a ton of excess energy after school, sports are a great way to get that out. But, you should also be prepared for the possibility of dysregulation tantrums after practice. Add in the additional considerations if your kid has ADHD or another condition where time management and executive function can be affected.

Lastly, we’ll bring in the social factor. The number of friends/classmates your kid has on the team and if they are looking forward to seeing them will make a difference. Same with how much your kid likes their coach. Same if your kid has an older sibling that plays the same sport. If your kid is excited to play, chances are they will be excited to go. But if they are dreading all of stimulus, pressure, and criticism, it will be very frustrating to get over that hill and you might want to option a new sport.

Team Mom

Not gonna lie. I’m cool with being a PTO Mom or an Adventure Mom, but Team Mom is not my bag. At younger ages, kids don’t really have the forethought to be able to manage themselves. So all of the extra moving parts that go with playing sports falls on parents.
We’re talking about:

Making sure the uniforms are clean, complete and packed
Making sure the equipment bag is clean, complete and packed
Snacks, water bottles, ice for the *whole* team
Spectator chairs or bleacher cushions
Sunscreen, hair ties, bug spray, first aid
Whether or not the team has decided to paint their nails or have matching scrunchies or bandannas
Pop-up tents, umbrellas, tailgate stuff, picnic supplies if it’s a tournament
Post-game lunch or dinner reservations for the team

Most of my girls’ teams use an app to track practice schedules and coach announcements, as well as round up parent support and facilitate parent chats. I’ve also noticed that most parents are staying at practices the whole time, instead of just dropping off. Thus, the option for hiring Nanny Drivers or Mom Helpers (instead of the usual at-home Nanny) when families have kids to manage in multiple locations. Yes, I concede that dads are more likely to participate and help in sports activities, but it’s still a considerable mental load week after week. Tired yet?

Boundaries, Part 2 (also known as Tiger Parenting)

And now, the dreaded self-reflection point. You are a parent. For the most part, you probably will not be a coach. It’s important to very clearly draw that line. For my husband, after he’d get back from afternoon basketball practices, his dad would make him do additional drills and practice to the point where it really caused a point of contention in their relationship. We’re talking 50 free-throws in a row, and if you miss, you have to start over. How do you know if you are being too much?

Yes, we want our kids to succeed in whatever activity they want to do. We know (and they know) that getting better means work and practice. But unless your kid asks you to be a drill sergeant, don’t. There are already too many stories (and emo songs) of kids feeling immense pressure to perform to an arbitrary parental standard.

If you do decide to be a coach, you need to be even more clear about your role. There’s team time and there’s family time; know when to turn it off and when it’s affecting your relationship. I’ve heard this similar sentiment from moms who homeschool.

Every family and every kid is going to be different. Every kid and every team is going to be different. This makes it so parents really just have to go with it and tackle issues as they arise. At the end of the day, we want our kids to have fun and grow into productive human beings. Youth sports are not a requirement for that, but they can teach lessons that parents can’t replicate.

Some other fun additional reading:

Do’s and Don’ts for Parents of Young Athletes
Why Do We Even Play Soccer
Data Shows Travel Teams are Killing Youth Sports
20 Reasons Why Kids Should Play Team Sports
The Best Individual Sports for Kids
Child(ish) Reads: The Type of Parent I Wanted to Be

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