I usually don’t have two book reviews this close…

I received an advance copy of How to Raise a Healthy Gamer and was planning on saving it for May when we have a whole week talking only about video games. I’m only about 70% done with this book, but I think the psychology and framework can be applied to other things besides gaming.

Author Dr. Alok Kanojia introduces himself as a former video game-addicted undergrad who got kicked out of UT Austin for skipping nearly all of his classes. Kanojia then went to a monastery in India when he realized he did indeed have a problem. There, he learned the power of the mind to control his own thoughts (in addition to yoga, meditation and Reiki) and returned to college. He now has a medical degree in Psychiatry.

In addition to being a therapist, Kanojia owns a mental health coaching company called Healthy Gamer that provides resources to overcome video game addiction. The book, How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, helps parents understand modern video game addiction and work with their kids to create a plan to establish healthy gaming boundaries. It publishes March 12 and is available for pre-order.

Now, into the meat and potatoes…

Video Games serve a very real purpose

I liked video games growing up, but not as much as my little brother George. I would find my way around the classic NES and Genesis games, but was never really good or determined enough to beat a game. Standard Mario Kart/Mario Party is my sweet spot. George however could burn through a game in a single weekend at the age of 8. Our mom would get so frustrated that he would go through a game and then start asking for a new one within days. He would get lost in storylines, beat every single boss; and once he got old enough, would start decimating people. He had multiple consoles, a computer and tv in his room, and could even hustle at DDR.

Our mom would lose it every other day, “You’re rotting your brain.” Turns out, that’s not exactly true…

Video games provide a lot to the brain, especially an adolescent one. They are designed to give you elevated hits of dopamine in a continuous stream. Small wins, bright colors, reaching checkpoints; it all gives you instant satisfaction, happiness, and a very real sense of accomplishment. The game presented you with a challenge and you won!

Second, video games provide community. Now that you can play games online, you can create a second family that is just as into your passions as you are. My husband Troy is part of a “consortium” of players that have been together for something like 15 years. In addition, modern gaming also gives you Twitch streams, YouTube videos, tips on upping your play that are way better than Game Genie. Video games have the ability to captivate the mind even when you are not actively playing them.

Lastly, video games give us a sense of escape. At the end of a long day, my husband will play online for hours. That’s how he chooses to decompress. Now imagine you are a kid who has to deal with the social politics of public school, academic pressure, adolescence in general. A video game is the perfect, stress-free place to block all of that out.

The Parent Part

We got a Nintendo Switch for our house as a family gift this Christmas. While our 5-year-olds are not consistent players, I have seen some negative. First, all of the dopamine that Mario and Princess Peach provide plummets when you turn them off. Instant dysregulation. I also see this when I take the tablet away or turn off Bluey when it’s time for dinner.

The elevated dopamine rush also makes it so normal activities are no longer as stimulating. This weekend, once tablet time was over, Z had a meltdown because suddenly coloring, or drawing, or pretend play with her sister wasn’t fun enough. This also leads to “I bought you all these toys and now you say you have nothing?!?!?!”.

“Now the problem is that if we stop playing video games and read a book, we’ll get a ‘normal’ amount of dopamine signal, but with our downregulated receptors, the total ‘volume’ is too low—thus making reading feel not at all fun. Our brain is physically less capable of enjoying reading when we game too much.”

Another problem that the book discusses which applies to more tween/teen/adult brains is the underdevelopment of the Frontal Lobe. Here’s the pull quote because I can’t explain it better.

“The problem with video games is that they’re so engaging, we don’t need to force our mind to focus. As a result, your focusing capability in your frontal lobes atrophies. Then, when they try to do something in the real world, they can’t focus. Studying feels nearly impossible, because their brain has gotten so dependent on highly engaging entertainment to keep it focused on one thing. People who game too much essentially put the development of their maturity on hold. Gamers tend to have underdeveloped frontal lobes compared to non-gamers. Fact: From a neuroscientific perspective, gamers are actually more immature than non-gamers.”

Do you want to form an alliance?

Like I said, I think the information in this book applies to more than just video gaming. Dr. Kanojia gives us the basic summary for how the brain can form addiction and how that can affect how our kids function in the everyday world. I’ve already mentioned my girls’ behavior when their screen time is up for the day. Do I think my kids are addicted? No. But I do know that screens and consuming media on them can be addictive, regardless of their social benefit/necessity. So how can we as parents create a healthy boundary system that can include awesome things like video games? This sounds exactly like the whole kids and screen time debate, but Kanojia’s approach is actually helpful.

First things first, we form an alliance with our kid. This is simply you as a parent connecting with your kid and starting communication. It is non-judgmental and curious. You simply want to know what they like about video games or YouTube or Tiktok, etc. You need to show them that you are genuinely interested in what they spend their time on, and that you are not going to forcibly take their joy away.

We all issue those empty, fear-based threats time to time, usually when we are dysregulated. “If you can’t handle the end of tablet time, then you get no more tablet time.” No kid is going to want make an alliance with that, instead you are now opposition. And even if you get some compliance out of it, it’s not genuine and chances are they will find a way around you.

This alliance is based on reflexive listening, gaining trust, and strengthening communication. These are all things we talked about to co-regulate, connect, and simmer down challenging behaviors. This alliance-building also needs to happen consistently, not just one time.

Buy-In

You can’t just tell a kid they are addicted to gaming. First, you’re not a doctor. That’s just like, your opinion, man…

This type of judgment is something all parents are guilty of. When I would be reprimanded in high school, my dad would go straight into the whole “You’re not doing X. You’re doing [insert something he doesn’t understand] and soon you will find out what happens.” I knew this was all fear-based rambling, disproportionate to what was actually going on, and he wasn’t actually asking me any questions about my frame of thinking.

You can’t just go on a rant and expect your kid to be convinced. Consequently, you can’t create a plan to take away games or screens or free time if your kid doesn’t see them as an actual problem. Once your alliance/relationship/trust is built, you have to approach the situation with compassion and your kid has to have a little insight into what they want for themselves.

In the book, most parents are scared that video game addiction will cause an academic slide. So they implement arbitrary rules that they themselves can’t realistically enforce, and that their kid doesn’t necessarily buy into.

Kanojia shares an approach called “Dumping it in their lap”. It’s when you present all of the facts and observations and goals, and leave it to your kid to determine the middle ground. You can acknowledge that gaming provides community and accomplishment and that kids need to have play in their lives. It’s also important that kids also balance their life and school, and play a role in their families, stay physically active and start thinking about their future. You give your child all of these balls and they get to decide how they want to handle it. This might reframe their situation and help give you their buy-in.

“If you push ahead and start instituting restrictions without really understanding your child or what is important to them, this usually leads to failure. Even if you succeed, it often comes at the cost of your relationship with your child. How do you ask someone to get rid of something that gives them joy and removes the bad stuff? It’s really hard. But if you can help them develop their own reason to quit gaming, they stand a very good chance of becoming a healthy gamer.”

It is definitely easier to navigate these types of situations with younger kids. They already rely on parents for everything, so you forcibly taking things away can solve the problem but only for a set amount of time. Me taking MY tablet away is my prerogative. But once your kids are in the tween/teen stage, you can’t rely on just overruling everything. They have ownership and agency, and you have to actually be a reasonable parent and negotiate.

The Resistance

Right now, I’m in the chapters about resistance. Of course, you are going to run into resistance when you set a boundary. If there wasn’t any resistance, then chances are there wasn’t really a problem, let alone an addiction.

Similar to changing your approach on challenging behavior, it’s not going to be easy and if you lose it and become dysregulated, the alliance that you have built with your kid comes crashing down.

Keep heart. Kanojia shares ways to ease the transition, like doing weekly check-ins, not making rash emotion-based decisions, and providing small rewards. Remember, the goal is to create healthy gaming habits, not banishing games (or screens) altogether.

The Healthy Gamer plan takes about eight weeks, but can adjust depending on your kid and the depth of the situation. The trick is there is no trick. You are simply treating your kid like a human being and genuinely helping them eventually become an adult. There is no reverse psychology or manipulation or rewards tactics. This approach is very human and empathetic. It also means that parents need to do their research and put in the time with their kids. There is no shortcut.

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I’m expecting to finish the book this week and I’m excited to continue this review for our video game posts in a couple months.

So far, the book has been super relatable and it gave me a lot of insight into how video games play a role for both my husband and my brother. I was also able to see a lot of the missteps our parents made when it came to setting boundaries and expectations around video games. Looking forward to continuing the conversation 🙂

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