Child(ish) Reads: Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors

First Child(ish) Reads review of the year!

Today’s post is on Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work by Dr. Robyn Gobbel. And of course, it has the magic word: sensory.

Dr. Gobbel is a psychologist with a Masters in Social Work, so this book is all about the neuroscience behind challenging child behavior. It had some pretty lofty goals in the Introduction: to completely change the way you parent. Challenge accepted.

I really got into this book because it simplified what parents would generally think is an impossible, vicious cycle. You have a child that exhibits undesirable behavior. You try to correct it, smother it, punish it and nothing works. You lose your head, get into rounds of self-loathing, and you start to think: do I have a bad kid or am I just a bad parent?

False on both accounts.

Using a fictional parent patient, she illustrates the process of walking parents through common scenarios and reframes how we handle them. I went hard into this book and consequently, this review will be a two-parter.

First, here are my top takeaways on child behavior:

All behavior makes sense

From last week’s posts, we know that behavior is tied to the brain. While we’re not all brain experts and can’t visually see when different parts of the brain get activated, it can be boiled down to child behavior is dependent on the nervous system.

Your child’s brain and neurons and nerves are all connected, sending sensory input. If their nervous system is particularly sensitive, they can get overstimulated/triggered very easily and they can go from easy, well-behaved, and connected to dysregulated, scared, and threatened. While the brain is in this stage (fight/flight/fright/freeze), it cannot make sound decisions, resulting in bad behavior.

Easy, simple, logical. But as a parent dealing with a dysregulated child throwing a tantrum and making poor decisions, you just want it to stop. We look for ways to “correct” or condition the behavior, but the behavior is merely the symptom. These attempts aren’t going to work because the cause is so much deeper.

“All behavior makes sense. It still needs to be boundaried, or even changed. But if we start with the premise that it makes sense, we tend to approach the behavior with curiosity instead of control. Curiosity begins the path toward behavior change and must remain our ever-present co-pilot.”

Felt safety

This is the first time I’ve come across the term “felt safety” and I automatically agree. There are times when I was a child that I knew I was physically safe. I had a roof over my head, I was fed, no one was going to harm me, etc. However, I do have multiple sets of parents and did not always FEEL safe, seen, soothed, secure with them. I would hide in my room for hours, or try not to talk during meals. I would sign up for every club at school so I didn’t have to be home. Everything I did felt very sneaky or an inconvenience. My parents would go on for an hour about how much they didn’t trust me but in reality, I felt like I was living on thin ice all the time.

No matter how irrational or unfounded you think your kid’s behavior is, remember that all behavior makes sense. While it’s normal to feel defensive when your kid doesn’t feel safe/seen/secure in that moment, you shouldn’t dismiss their feelings.

Allowing them to co-regulate with you, whether it’s by being compassionate or playful or reassuring, brings them back to a place where they can feel safe. This goes back to secure attachment parenting. I’m here and I hear you.

“In the context of this book, trauma and toxic stress is any disruption in the attachment and caregiving system that leaves the developing child in a chronic state of uncertainty and without the co-regulation of a safe, secure adult.”

“In fact, more than 80 percent of our perception of reality is actually based on our memories of what has happened in the past.”

“Behaviors that emerge from protection mode aren’t personal and don’t reflect a person’s character; they reflect that person’s felt safety.”

“Most of the time, our kids don’t know why they don’t feel safe. They just don’t.”

Owls, Watchdogs and Possums

So what is actually going on in the brain? Gobbel’s main analogy is the owl, the watchdog, and the possum. These parts and scripts in the book seemed a bit childish and inane, but it really is an easy way to think about child behavior.

When your child is in Owl Brain, they are totally good. They are connected to you, their teacher, friends and siblings. They know the rules and abide by them. They are open to logic and reason.

When your child receives sensory input that causes them to feel threatened, uneasy, unsafe, or if their body is dysregulated (hungry, thirsty, tired, sick), there are two ways their brain and behavior could go: into Watchdog or into Possum.

Watchdog Brain is high energy. There are a couple different levels of watchdog, varying from on guard to aggressive. So you’ll see behaviors like talking back, snapping back and arguing, throwing things, and in the worst cases, aggressive hitting. Depending on the level of dysregulation, your kid could go through all of these brain types over the course of an afternoon. Kinda like when you first sense your kid is off and then they just keep digging a deeper hole as the day goes on.

Conversely, the Possum Brain is low energy. A dysregulated possum brain is going to seem inattentive, unmotivated, lazy, ranging all the way to play dead. Also not an easy brain to parent.

“On the outside, that looks like opposition, defiance, lying, stealing, laughing inappropriately, ignoring you, being overly compliant, and other off-putting behaviors.”

The catch? There really isn’t anything you can immediately do to prevent your child from being dysregulated. It’s going to happen and they need to come out of it before anything long-term can be done. The type of brain setting your kid is in is completely up to their nervous system, also not in your control. You do not have the power to “correct” behavior, but you can help your child rebuild the brain roadmap through co-regulation, environment changes, and cultivating better habits.

The book offers a guide to all of the different traits and red flags for each variation of Watchdog and Possum Brain, as well as ways to help connect and co-regulate in the moment.

Kids are like houseplants

We’ve written about sensory inputs and environment changes many times and they are still true no matter what age you are. Gobbel says to think of kids like houseplants. If they aren’t looking good, sometimes all you need is some food, water, or sunlight. We see this in after-school restraint collapse. I will often tell my kids that they seem hangry, or I try to give them a preemptive snack in the car if I think we’re going to miss our usual snack time. Hot and cold drinks (think about us having coffee) all give us a lift throughout our day and keep us grounded. A short walk or sitting outside can help calm nerves and give us a brain break. Maybe try one of these steps before jumping into fight mode with your kid.

Connection

I like this section because it’s very therapy and uses a lot of transitive theory.

How do I know my child is dysregulated, or in watchdog or possum brain?
The owl brain is one that is open to connection. Do you think your kid is looking to connect with you with they are telling you that you suck? Would you want to connect with someone who is making your life difficult? Obviously not. Sure sign that they are not in owl brain.

How do I know that my kid isn’t just trying to be manipulative?
Only the owl brain is able to make logical decisions. Owl brain kids know and respect the rules and behave well. If there is bad behavior, there is no owl brain and ergo, there is no reason, logic, or concerted effort to be manipulative. Similarly, when your kid is in watchdog or possum brain, there is no reason to teach lessons or get them to self-reflect and empathize. All of that effort is going to be meaningless unless they are in a headspace that is able to receive it.

You have to get your child back to regulated before any of that higher-level work can be done.

“You’ll notice that none of these definitions includes “feeling” words. Regulated doesn’t mean calm. Regulated doesn’t mean happy. A person can be regulated and also be sad, mad, happy, and all sorts of other feelings.”

“Without solid internalized co-regulation, I could know all the coping skills on earth but be unable to access them. I would get too dysregulated too fast.”

Tomorrow for Part 2, we’ll go into the top takeaways for parent behavior, also known as the practical part. This book prompts you to be a detective of your kid’s behavior instead of being the judge of it. Of course, you’re gonna have some parent homework and handy resources as well.