“What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.”- Child development author Joseph Chilton Pearce, Teaching Children to Love
This post is actually part Child(ish) Read review and part Coffee Chat. I finally finished More: Life on the Edge of Adventure and Motherhood by Majka Burhardt. Burhardt is a Princeton graduate, a professional rock and ice climber, and a twin mom. The book spans her pregnancy through her kids’ fourth birthday, compiled from audio and journal entries over five years. The book started out as letters to her twins and morphed into book-form when she could see the overall message not only to her children, but to all moms.
The common theme throughout the book is how she wanted to balance her passion for climbing and her passion for being present for her kids every day. She talks about traveling with the kids for the first time and the logistical chaos. She talks about sacrificing climbing hours and trips that she had planned, as well as sacrificing her presence as CEO of a climbing-driven environmental non-profit.
She also discusses how her husband, who is also a professional rock and ice climber, didn’t seem to think twice when he committed to climbing trips all over the world. But she, however, always had to weigh the needs of the family and her desire to climb. Yes, climbing is how they made their living, further complicating the division of labor and childcare dynamic.
In the period of time covered, Majka loses colleagues to the dangers of climbing and she’s constantly questioned why she willingly puts herself in danger. But the danger was always there, and it is there for her husband as well. This is a person who has made an entire career of climbing, and not until becoming a parent did she have to grapple with why she chooses this passion. Most people just assumed she would give up climbing altogether once she had a family.
I can see how this would be comparable to parents who are firefighters, or military, or have other extreme vocations. But even as someone who works from home, I have also been asked if I was going to give up certain hobbies or passions, as well as my career that included travel, in order to be a good parent. Why is it so expected that we, especially moms, “be flexible” and lose the things that bring us to life?
In the first year of motherhood, we lose track of this and the mourning of our “old life” is one of the things that contribute to PPD. For this part, here are the excerpts from More that I loved:
“I keep brainstorming trips because I want that life back. And while I know deep down I will get back some form of that life, I also don’t want to think of it as “having it back.” Because what I am doing is going forward into something new. I don’t want to compare my life to what it was, but to be in what it is. And I know that. And it’s up to me to create it. It always has been.”
“His life is about to change, to get bigger and smaller at the same time—bigger because you guys are in it, smaller because his freedom will shrink dramatically. For me, it’s the opposite. My life has been getting narrower and narrower the further into pregnancy we get. And it’s going to open up when I am on the other side of this.”
“I know it’s possible; we’ve all done it. All athletes recover. All athletes create new iterations of themselves, wondering what each version will be like.”
“Perhaps I thought I’d be immune to the working-mother pitfalls and paradoxes and typicalities because I have an alternative career. I’m constantly surprised when I face them. When you’ve made a career out of pursuing your passions, connecting seemingly unconnectable passions into giant projects, you think you can pull anything off…”
“Sometimes I wish I could make it easier on all of us and want less.”
“And I think that has been my understanding: that if you just push hard enough, you can do it all. Because I have always, mostly, been able to push hard enough and make the really divergent pieces come together in my life. Right now, it’s dawning on me that maybe I could do it, but there is a cost, and the cost is my rage. This body-shuddering, hands-shaking rage.”
“Everything right now seems to revolve around being a mom; it’s the lens through which I see the world.”
“I cringe even to write that down—having never wanted to say aloud that there is a difference between the before and after, having instead wanted to see my life and our marriage on a continuum.”
I saw an IG post months ago about kids watching their mom exercise and the lasting impact it has on their personal fitness habits growing up. The mom shared that it also teaches her kids about self-care, building inner strength as well as physical strength, and setting personal goals. Can leaning into the things that make us happy and whole also make us better moms?
I think letting our passions be seen also establishes that moms/women/people are multifaceted, whether that’s through gardening or art/DIY projects or books and music, anything. In Fair Play, this is referred to as Unicorn Time. Our lives aren’t just a daily grind. We are more than just parents and workers; and while kids are a large part of our world, they aren’t the only thing in it.
Going back to our post on being good role models, our kids look to us to demonstrate so that they can learn and copy. If they don’t see how much we actually do day-to-day, then yes, they will assume that things just happen magically. If they don’t see us enjoying time without them, then what is left to conclude except that we have no actual life? TBH, I thought this exact thing about my parents growing up. They didn’t really have any hobbies, they didn’t go out much with friends, no vacations. It was just kinda boring.
The last time I ran a race, I asked Troy if he could bring the girls to the finish line. I wanted them to see how many women ran this race and to see what I had been training for the last few months. When Troy does online gaming, he’ll explain to the girls the different characters and storylines within his group, and introduce them to the players he’s been gaming with for years. While we would love to share these hobbies with them someday, we also want them to understand why we love doing them and to see the full scope of our busy lives. They definitely don’t understand what we do professionally (security project manager and marketing manager), but they do know that we do lots of things and have fun, with and without them.
On the flip side, I’ve also been trying out showing the girls how tired I am when things get hectic. A couple weeks ago before our Asheville trip, Z said that I looked really tired. I had been running around doing errands, taking the girls to gymnastics, I had just had my COVID booster, and I still had to figure out dinner. I explained that yes, I was tired. I told them that it takes a lot of work and a lot of planning to keep our home and family moving. Even though we have a great time, a lot of work falls on me and Troy that they don’t see. Surprisingly, they understood and even gave us a little sympathy. They asked if they could help out more or if I needed a blanket. So cute…. Making these highs and lows visible humanizes us and teaches our kids how to be human as well.
I want my kids to see their mom doing cool and amazing things, inspiring them so that they don’t have this insular idea of what a mom/parent should be. I also want them to see that they fit into our household and not that our household revolves around them. When they can see the roles they play at home, they are eager to participate and do those jobs well.
This week and last week, we’ve talked about how moms are the driving force behind the holidays. We want to create magic and be seen and appreciated for that effort. But it goes further than that, beyond the holiday season. You are a fun, interesting mom who has the power to inspire your kids just by being yourself and doing what you love. Don’t hide that. And when you include them in your magic (even your everyday magic), you inspire them to be magical, too.
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