Parents can only do so much. In our kid’s early childhood, we try our best to teach and model everything they need to know to thrive. But eventually, they need to test their skills in real-life situations, and that’s most likely going to come on the playground.

When parents in the clinic would stress over their child’s social skills, I would say “playground rules,” meaning that kids best learn socialization in a setting with their peers and with limited interference from their parents. While the home serves as a training ground for trial and error, peers provide real-time feedback and refinement of those skills.

Social Butterflies

Social skills (aka interpersonal or soft skills) are verbal, nonverbal, written, and visual communication methods necessary in forming and maintaining relationships. These relational abilities include:

• Communication – the ability to articulate their wants, needs, and emotions clearly, while fostering the ability to exchange ideas and thoughts in a constructive manner
• Empathy – recognizing and understanding other people’s emotions, demonstrating compassion, and upholding respect for personal boundaries and space
• Cooperation – includes helping, sharing, and following rules; the embodiment of “teamwork makes the dream work”
• Conflict resolution – the ability to recognize their own emotions, identify the source of a problem, and work towards a solution
• Manners and etiquette – showing others respect and demonstrating good manners in various social settings; don’t be a jerk
• Respect for others – the recognition, appreciation, and respect for others regardless of race, creed, culture, or gender
• Self–control – regulating emotions; thinking before acting or responding
• Assertiveness – expressing oneself while respecting opposing beliefs or ideas
• Patience and positivity – remaining calm and optimistic while waiting or facing challenges

Children develop social skills by observing and experiencing interactions firsthand. They learn by watching how parents, siblings, and other adults communicate and behave with one another. By imitating the actions and communication styles of role models they admire, children gradually build their own social abilities.

Kids then practice and refine their emerging social skills through play and exchanges with other kids. Peers are important in this process since they provide an interactive and dynamic setting where interpersonal behaviors can be explored and learned.  Peers influence social skill development through:

• Practice in Real Situations. Interacting with peers offers opportunities to apply social skills like communication, cooperation, and negotiation in real-world scenarios.
• Social Feedback. Peers provide immediate responses to behaviors, allowing individuals to adjust and refine their social approach.
• Encouraging Empathy. Peer relationships involve understanding others’ perspectives, fostering empathy and emotional intelligence.
• Conflict Management. Resolving differences or arguments with peers strengthens problem-solving and conflict-resolution abilities.
• Role Experimentation. Peer groups allow individuals to explore different roles, such as leadership or team player, enhancing adaptability.

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Peer Expectations

As children grow, they spend increasingly more time with their peers, and these relationships become important over time. While parents and caregivers provide the foundational support and guidance for a child, peers offer opportunities for learning, social comparison, and the development of a sense of belonging.

So when it comes to the playground, or any other social setting, peers teach, shape, and reinforce each other’s social behaviors to match the expectations of the environment. Here’s how:

Observation and Modeling. Starting at an early age, children observe and imitate the behaviors of their peers. This social learning is necessary for the development of new skills and behaviors. Through imitation, children learn language, social norms, and problem-solving strategies. At the playground, kids may “follow the leader” by completing challenging obstacles they might never have done before (climbing the rock wall, sliding down the tallest slide, climbing up the slide, etc.).

Play. Play is an essential occupation of early childhood, serving as a primary way for children to connect with their peers. During peer play, children must negotiate roles, follow rules, and solve conflicts, showcasing their cognitive flexibility, empathy, and problem-solving abilities. For instance, we’ve all seen a game of hide-and-seek or tag go awry. Instead of everyone quitting and crying to their respective parents, they all try to work together to continue gameplay (#teamwork).

Finding Connection. During middle childhood, kids are figuring out who they are and searching for others that may share similar likes and interests. You like Pokémon? I like Pokémon! You play softball? I play softball! You play Mario Kart? I don’t, but I can! Peer groups provide a sense of belonging and identity, which is crucial for a child’s self-esteem and social growth. In their pursuit of acceptance and approval, children frequently adopt the behaviors, values, and interests of their peers. So if a child is too aggressive or harsh on the playground, the group may exclude them until they change their behavior.

Social Comparison. Peers act as benchmarks for children to assess their abilities, appearance, and social standing. On the playground, children frequently challenge each other—whether it’s seeing who can run the fastest, jump the farthest, or swing the highest. Positive comparisons, where a child feels they match or exceed their peers, can enhance confidence and self-esteem. Conversely, negative comparisons, where a child feels inferior or left out, can result in feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. Feedback from peers, whether encouraging or critical, significantly influences a child’s self-concept and drives their motivation. Recall Smalls in the Sandlot.

On Bullying

We can’t have a post about the playground and social skills without talking about bullying behavior. While we hope our kids can sort out peer conflicts on their own, there will be moments that still need our guidance.  Children can be downright vicious to one another, but in most cases, it isn’t bullying. Negative social skills may fall into one of the three categories:

• Rude. This refers to unintentionally saying or doing something that causes harm to someone else. For children, this might manifest as burping in someone’s face, cutting ahead in line, boasting about a victory, or making a hurtful comment. While such behaviors might resemble bullying, they are typically spontaneous and unintentional, stemming from limited awareness or difficulty managing emotions.
  
  
• Mean. This is purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone, much like the sentiment captured in the Taylor Swift song. Meanness involves harsh criticism driven by intense emotions such as anger, hurt, or envy. Its purpose is often to elevate oneself by belittling someone else. Unlike bullying, the action is infrequent and is accompanied by remorse afterward.
  
  
• Bullying. This is defined as deliberate, repeated aggressive behavior aimed at causing harm, characterized by a power imbalance and ongoing acts or threats of harm. Signs of bullying include smiling during disputes, secretive behavior to avoid being caught, and recruiting others to join in the aggressive behavior. Children who engage in bullying intentionally hurt others and continue their actions without remorse, even when their targets express their pain or ask them to stop.

If such situations arise, take the time to discuss what happened. Provide immediate comfort and reassurance, letting your child know they don’t have to face it alone. Ask targeted questions to clarify the details and differentiate between bullying and one-time incidents, like toy-related disputes or playground mishaps. Emphasize love, support, and collaboration in working toward a solution.

If your child is being bullied, try the following:

• Teach them how to confidently stand up for themselves by focusing on both verbal and non-verbal communication, such as assertive posture, tone, pitch, and rhythm when making statements like “Leave me alone!” or “Stop it!” Building their confidence reduces the likelihood of them becoming a target.
  
  
• Encourage them to stay close to their friends, as bullies often target kids who are isolated. Staying in a group offers protection and support, reinforcing the idea that there is strength in numbers.
  
  
• When faced with verbal teasing, the best response can often be to ignore it and walk away, as many bullies seek attention. Helping kids understand that bullying reflects the bully’s issues, not their own, can provide perspective and empowerment.
  
  
• Let your teacher know what has been going on so that they are aware of the situation. They may not be able to do anything right away, but they can monitor and mediate if the situation escalates.

However, if you find that your child is engaging in unkind behavior:

• Remain calm and listen, approaching the situation without anger or judgment. Have an open conversation with your child to understand their perspective and what might be motivating their behavior.
• Help your child recognize their actions and the harm they may be causing. It’s important for them to take responsibility and understand why their behavior is unacceptable.
• Encourage your child to consider how their actions affect others. Role-playing or discussing how they would feel in the other person’s shoes can help develop empathy.
• Establish firm and consistent consequences for bullying behavior. Let them know that such actions will not be tolerated, and they will be taking accountability for their actions.
• Sometimes bullying is a sign of deeper problems, such as low self-esteem, frustration, or difficulties at home or school. Identify and address these root causes.
• Equip your child with tools and strategies to manage frustration, resolve conflicts, and express their feelings constructively.
• Continue to model positive behavior by demonstrating kindness, respect, and healthy conflict resolution in your own interactions to serve as a role model for your child.

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