Last week, I did a Google and podcast search to see what resources or articles covered “gifted” parents. To be clear, this is about parents who were in the Gifted and Talented programs growing up in the 90s. Not parents of currently gifted children.

Both Mary and I grew up in gifted program in it’s various forms. In the spirit of Millennial Parenting, which has a sturdy base in self-reflection and re-parenting, we wanted to see how growing up as gifted students could have an impact on how we now raise our own kids.

My search ended up with not that many hits. Mary and I have five kids between us and for the most part, they are too young to be considered for gifted right now. So in this liminal time where our kids and their relationship with school is in development, how can we see what this academically-accelerated program has done for/to us when it comes to parenting?

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Mary’s Story

Almost every parent believes that their kid is so smart, but it’s a different ball game when others see it too. When a child demonstrates above-average intellect or talent, whether that’s academic or in the arts, they are labeled as gifted and put into respective programs to nurture and challenge them academically.

Before I began first grade, my parents had me tested for gifted. I didn’t qualify. It was okay though because I didn’t know what I was getting tested for at the time. They asked a lot of questions about current events, general knowledge, and puzzles (I loved the puzzles!). Around the middle of second grade, my teacher recommended that I be tested for gifted again. This time, I passed. After a meeting between my parents, teacher, and admin, I transferred over to the gifted program classroom. This was an exciting achievement for my parents to boast about.

Keep in mind that I transferred into the gifted program in the MIDDLE OF SECOND GRADE. I went from being one of the smartest in class to playing a game of catch up. Talk about a rude awakening. I rarely saw any of my former classmates, or anyone not gifted for that matter. This seclusion resulted in a bubble of believing that gifted kids were smarter/better than everyone else, and that carried through every grade level in the program.

The mentality that we were the brightest and the best in our school became a heavy burden to carry, at least for me. Being gifted meant I was special because I was smart. If I was no longer smart because the program got the best of me, then that would mean I no longer was anything of value. Yes, my intellect became my identity, and I didn’t want to lose it (mental and emotional health be damned!). That belief transferred into my high school (IB program) and college years (who takes 18 credits their first semester?!).

Being labeled as gifted has defined who I’ve become as an adult as well as many others. As adults, we are more likely to:

• Have emotional issues. I’m emo for a reason. Studies have found that certain characteristics observed in gifted children may result in difficulties in adulthood, like a high internal drive, perfectionism, emotional intensity, and a strong moral concern. Additionally, gifted adults tend to become frustrated with slower peers, ask too many questions, become annoyed when bored, or are easily irritated by others’ lack of knowledge.
  
  
• Follow societal expectations. Before becoming an OT, I pursued the medical field. Why? Because it was expected of me. A 2009 study revealed that gifted kids were more likely to have low social self-esteem and channeled their abilities to more “prestigious fields” because that’s what society would expect from them (lawyers, doctors, engineers…sound familiar?). Longitudinal studies of gifted students also found that colleges were chosen based on a school’s rank and reputation rather than the student’s own personal choice.
  
  
• Have trouble feeling accomplished. I feel like I must be successful in anything and everything I do. Although that’s a great motivator to get things done, it’s an immense amount of pressure to place on myself. It can be unrealistic, especially with obligations and responsibilities that have no standardization, like parenting or maintaining work/life balance. Yes, this mindset stems from the thought, “I was in gifted. I should be able to do this.”

I know that my experience is not the same as others and personal factors, like having a tiger mom, also played a role in my strive for excellence. But now that I have kids, I know there are certain traits about myself that I need to be able control and not pass down or model for my kids.

• Praise effort, not intellect. I don’t want my kids to be defined by how smart or talented they are. A study conducted in 2019 found that giving intelligence praise (“You’re so smart. You’re so talented”) reduces academic performance compared to praising effort (“You tried so hard. You really persisted”), which improved it. 
  
  
• Be okay with failure. Failure was frowned upon growing up. If I brought home grades less than expected, there was shame. Intelligence was valued in my household and if academic scores didn’t reflect that, it was as though I didn’t deserve the gifted label. I remember feeling embarrassed when one of my gifted teachers told my mom, “She can’t even do math!” That humiliation led to a perfectionist attitude and a fear of failing or being wrong. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of making mistakes. I want them to view failure as learning opportunities, figuring out new ways to solve problems and handle situations they are presented with.
  
  
• Dismiss labels. The gifted label stays with me to this day. I’m sure if my school utilized another approach, I probably would have had a different outlook. If my kids ever qualified for the program, I would want them to know that the label shouldn’t define every aspect of who they are. If it enhances their confidence rather than hinder their emotional well-being, I will support it. I’d also want them to feel that they could opt-out if it they feel like it wasn’t for them and not feel any shame in doing so.

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Patti’s Story

To contrast with Mary’s experience, I was tested and designated gifted before elementary school. That classification did not follow me as I moved to a different state, and I tested again for gifted in 5^th grade. During elementary school, our district had a once-a-week class where the G&T students from every school would bus in to one location. I, however, never got to do this because by the time I tested into the program, I moved again to a middle school in yet another state. I had one year as an ACE student, and that transitioned into Honors and AP classes moving forward. By then, students were grouped by aptitude, not by an intelligence test.

My parents did not push me academically. Truthfully, I did not get a lot of attention as a kid and as long as I had passing grades, I was just doing what I was supposed do. I was optioned to skip a grade in elementary school but my dad did not want me starting college as a minor.

Did I think I was smarter than my peers? Yes, but not like a prodigy or anything. I knew a lot of random facts, I read a lot of books, and TV was my babysitter. Mostly, I felt I was smart because I could absorb information and retain it. Making information connections, being organized, being able to communicate and rationalize; all of this played into being gifted. I did not actually study for tests until I was in a private school environment my junior and senior year. Is this something I could realistically teach my kid how to do? Absolutely not.

My perspective is that I can’t coach my kids to be gifted. The entire purpose behind the word is that you either are or you aren’t, and I can see why that creates a divide. How many Fat Brain or Manhattan baby toys did you buy because it’s supposed to stimulate your baby’s brain for learning? How many people put classical music on while their babies were in utero? Baby Einstein-branded products? Enough said. I liken this to people who swore that when they eventually have children, they will only watch TV if it’s PBS. Yet even with all these genius-level toys, there aren’t huge increases with the number of gifted students admitted from year to year and college admissions are dropping like an anvil.

I have, however, noticed some things that could be considered bad post-gifted habits. I started buying BrainQuest flash cards and workbooks once my kids hit three. I have bought them puzzles that are beyond age-appropriate, hoping that their curiosity will help them rise to the difficulty. I’ve traveled with them, made them eat crazy diverse food, talked about second-wave feminism. I was very tempted to teach them Sudoku when they asked about it. I even started an IG account with posts of them pretending to read AP Lit books (it’s super cute though…).

Do I need to keep myself in check? Yes, of course.
First and foremost is patience. My father was also high academic achieving and I remember him getting visibly frustrated doing homework with my little sister (who was later diagnosed with dyslexia). Often, I can feel myself reacting to my child, like “come on, this isn’t hard”, despite the fact that they just turned five.

Secondly, I can’t push them beyond what is age-appropriate. I don’t want to make them do extra work. I don’t want them to only do activities that will get them into college. Right now, I especially don’t want to push them to learn how to read because it’s way too early and that’s not how the brain works. Child-Led is something we really emphasize on this blog. Don’t push your kid to do something before they are ready. The things they learn through their own natural curiosity are going to be more impactful that drilling trivia.

Finally, other things matter besides grades. There is a huge push in public schools to bring non-academic skills into the elementary curriculum: executive function, social skills, emotional intelligence, healthy mental and physical care. I can also see that with the college admissions cliff approaching, high test scores don’t hold as much weight. People are seeing that the smartest kids are burning out in college and a better measure of success is resilience, growth mindset, and independence. Those are things that I actually can teach and model every day.

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Can you tell we did a lot of personal digging for this post?

Mary and I spent hours just wading through our personal gifted experiences and deconstructing a lot of things that we had carried with us. This is another aspect of us re-parenting ourselves and breaking the previous constructs of what exactly makes a good kid and a good parent. And now that our kids are students, we understand we can foster a love of learning without being overbearing about academic performance.

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