Tone of Voice and Parenting

You know when you tell your kids to do something repeatedly and it falls on deaf ears. And then you end up yelling at them because you’re at your wits end? Then how about when your spouse says the exact same thing and they do it right away? Okay, great. I’m not the only one.

While my children appreciate my animated vocals during play or a soothing one when they need a cuddle, they definitely don’t hear my tone as one of authority unless I’m screaming to the top of my lungs. This got me thinking about how kids interpret tone of voice.

Our throwback post on the auditory system talks about how we hear and process sound. So how do children learn to process and translate how we’re talking to them? Why do kids gravitate toward the singy-songy voices of Miss Rachel and Blippi, but will stop dead in their tracks when they hear “dad voice”?

The Power of Tone

In 1967, a UCLA psych professor named Albert Mehrabian developed the 7-38-55 rule. In his studies focused on the communication of feelings and attitudes, he observed that only 7% of a message is based on words. Meanwhile, 38% comes from the tone of voice and 55% from face and body language. In other words, nonverbals carry more weight when getting a point across. This makes sense, especially with little ones.

For instance, they know that they should stop attempting to crawl down the stairs or stick a fork in a socket when they hear you emphatically scream and run in their direction. They might not know what “No!” or “Stop!” means, but they get the gist that what they are doing (or about to do) is not good.

Tone of voice is how we speak to people. It involves:

Pitch – how high or low a sound is (ex: high = excitement, low = seriousness)
Volume – loudness or softness of voice (scream vs. whisper)
Rate of speech – speed of talking (ex: fast = urgency, slow = thoughtfulness)
Intonation – the way the voice rises and falls when talking (ex: rising voice = question)
Emphasis – stressing certain words or syllables to highlight their importance

These speech elements not only help express meaning and emotions in what we are saying, but also influence how others translate it.

Speaking Mother-ese

Infants become acquainted with tone when parents talk in motherese (aka parentese). This infant-directed speech is characterized by an overall higher pitch, curvy intonations (cooing pattern), and a slower rate of speech with pauses between phrases to encourage baby participation. It’s exaggerated and animated, straight out of a children’s musical, and the babies dig it. Motherese promotes language acquisition with its attention-catching cadences while exposing a variety of facial expressions and emotions, building the foundations for social interaction.

While fathers may speak parentese, research has found that they use intonation patterns similar to those used when speaking to fellow grownups. Despite the lack of elaborate tone, dads modify their speech for their babies in different ways. For example, they may use simplified vocabulary, change up their volume, or limit the length of what they’re saying, but they aren’t going to fully revert to kid talk. Dads aren’t exactly known for cute, adorable baby talks after all.

The Infamous Dad Voice

“Dad voice” as we’ve come to know it is a loud, authoritative tone used to command attention and to establish dominance in a disordered situation (ex: kids not listening). To be clear, it is NOT yelling.

While this tone doesn’t come naturally to many women, men have it at their disposal since their voice can hit lower registers. So why do children, even adults, stop what they’re doing when they hear a baritone growl? Turns out that we are evolutionary programmed to respect it. Lower-pitch voices denote higher levels of testosterone which has been linked to aggressive behaviors and more physical strength; factors deemed necessary to protect us from danger. Studies have found that both men and women trust voices closer to 81 Hz (think James Earl Jones) than ones closer to 136 Hz (like Sean Connery), assuming they will display more integrity and competence in leadership positions.

That being said, it is important to remember that dad voice can still be scary to little kids. Dads should try to keep that option holstered unless the situation really calls for it.

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream

Although dad voice sounds like a great tool to have, most moms can’t harness it to address their children. After repeated requests and demands, yelling unfortunately becomes part of our daily life and that sucks. But if shouting seems to be the only thing to get our kids’ attention, then why is it so effective? Truth is, it’s not.

Let’s face it. We scream at our kids because we’ve had it. When we are in a state of stress or helplessness, our brain releases an inhibitory neurotransmitter (GABA) to calm down. However, as this resource depletes, certain sensations, like our auditory system, prep for fight-flight-fright mode. Typically, the muscles in our middle ear will contract to dampen any loud noises present to protect our hearing. But if we’re in a heightened state, those ear muscles don’t do that. This dysregulation is written all over our faces and body language; screaming is just the cherry on top. Sure, our kids will finally complete the task we asked them to do in the first place, but it’s not out of respect; it’s out of fear.

While yelling and losing our sh*t every now and then is par for the course in parenting, frequently yelling can cause issues, like:

Escalating the situation, which can result in aggression for both parent and child
Kids shutting down or becoming desensitized to shouting because it’s so often
Affecting the child’s self-esteem
Leaving parents feeling guilty and disheartened

Research shows that yelling and harsh verbal discipline can have similar negative effects as corporal punishment because the brain processes negative events faster than positive ones. In other words, we need to keep ourselves in check and stop the cycle of screaming.

Calm and Collected

It’s a no-brainer that the best tones of voice to use with our kids are calm but firm, gentle and empathetic. Obviously this sounds good on paper, but it’s it not easy to implement 24/7. Here are some ways to stay in that zone:

Check your vibe. If you start to feel overwhelmed or angry, that’s your cue to step away and reset. That may be to physically leave the room for a moment, drink water, take deep breaths, move some laundry (heavy work calms the sensory system), whatever it is you need to do to get back to center. This lowers the chances of yelling and allowing you to maintain control of your emotions and the situation.
Become self-aware. Observe how your tone may sound to others, especially your kids. You know when you’re talking very heatedly about something to a friend and they ask “Why are you yelling?”. You might have to adjust your volume or check your word emphasis. Recognize the difference between your calm, collected, and positive tone versus a harsh, defensive, and critical one. If you do notice yourself getting louder and meaner when you’re talking, see the previous bullet.

It’s also important to remember that kids are not adults and logic isn’t going to be on your side. While you might think that your arguments are clear and straightforward, it might not translate correctly for your kid.
Play with other tones. Every kid is different and how they interpret tone is unique. Not to mention, you can use different tones in varying scenarios. What works for one of my kids doesn’t always resonate well with the other. Try other styles and see what hits:
- Positive/Playful – easygoing, friendly, light, and encouraging; smile while talking
- Sarcastic – saying the opposite of what is meant with exaggerated emphasis and lowered pitch; can be light-hearted to comment on certain situations; ex: saying, “Well, the cookies are done!” if they were accidentally burned.
- Declarative – use of downward inflexions, as if stating a fact
- Assertive – firm, clear, positive, and confident; used when respectfully expressing expectations
- Late-Night FM DJ Radio – low pitch, slow rate of speech, and calm; to emphasize what is being said; can create an aura of authority and trust
- Inquisitive – use of upward inflexions to convey curiosity and interest in your child’s point of view