Moms don’t en-joy, they give joy. That’s how being a mom works. – A Bad Moms Christmas

Thanksgiving starts a mad rush all the way through December. While we can’t speak for other religions and their traditions, Christmas has a chokehold on an entire month; bringing festivities, expectations, and Mariah Carey.

This onslaught includes: hours making and checking shopping lists, wrapping the gifts, sending out cards, decking the halls, baking the cookies, making the travel plans, and keeping the spirit of Christmas alive. And year after year, the person behind all of this isn’t Santa. It’s mom.

Why do we do this? Is it a rite of passage to level up as a mom? Is the expectation the same for dads? With a few weeks left before December 25^th, let’s get to the bottom of this quandary and how we can alleviate this self-inflicted stress.

According to a 2021 poll on stress around the holidays:

• 1 in 6 parents report high stress levels during the holidays
• 1 in 5 parents say their stress level negatively affects their child’s enjoyment of the holidays
• 1 in 4 parents feel they have unrealistic expectations of themselves
• Twice as many mothers than fathers report high levels of holiday stress

In my research for this post as well as my own experience, I find the stress boils down to three things: tradition, gender norms, and the pursuit of perfection.

Traditions Run Deep

When it comes to tradition, it can go off the rails. A lot of Millennial parents feel the pressure to live up to their childhood experiences or even their own parents’ expectations of what Christmas should look like. That can be daunting task, especially when these obligations can require a significant amount of time, planning and effort. For instance, if your parents threw an extravagant annual Christmas Eve dinner and are handing hosting duties to you, you may stress to get it right to their liking. If they were masters of holiday light decorations, you might feel compelled to make your house the brightest and the best in the entire neighborhood. Stray away from the norm and someone is saying passive aggressive things under their breath. See: A Bad Moms Christmas where Amy’s mother just criticizes every holiday decision she makes.

Don’t feel bad if it feels like you’re not doing enough. It’s not you. Tradition can be great, but it’s also a form of peer pressure. Stick to your boundaries and communicate before you hit your limit.

A traditional holiday could carry a lot of weight for good reasons as well, because of meaningful memories. My husband was raised on Christmas magic. He shares how his parents hung the stockings on the mantle, left a plate of cookies and milk for Santa, and waking up to all the presents that magically showed up under the tree (not to mention a handwritten note from Mr. Claus himself). For the first Christmas we were married, I did my first cookie exchange, I bought a ton of Christmas ornaments because I didn’t have any, and I scrambled on where I could buy a Christmas Village. I obviously did not grow up with holiday magic; but I do want our kids to experience the warm and fuzzy feels my hubby experienced as a child. So every year, we incorporate many of his family’s fond traditions as well as create our own.

Gender Norms

Moms shoulder the lion’s share of demands to make Christmas happen. Although it may seem like we are just driving ourselves crazy, the season can give insight into domestic gender roles and invisible labor (planning, organizing, scheduling, etc).

In general, women are tasked with the daily time-intensive household and childcare duties, even when they work a 9-5 job. That’s not to say that dads don’t participate in these undertakings, but society does not expect them to. The continued and assumed management of the home and the kids make it easy for holiday demands to be placed on moms, and we begrudgingly accept it. We already know how the house functions, what everyone is willing to eat, what clothing size everyone is, and what interests/dislikes people have. It’s like mothers already have a head start and honestly, we don’t have time to unload all our accumulated knowledge to our spouse for them to take full charge of Christmas.

Unfortunately, this mindset is our Achilles’ heel.  The indoctrination of holiday responsibilities starts at a young age. Children learn their soon-to-be roles through observation and modeling. If mom is the only one cooking, cleaning, and reading bedtime stories, then kids assume that these tasks are solely a woman’s job. The same idea happens around Christmastime.

Numerous mom blogs, articles, and interviews talk about how men have no idea about what it takes to make Christmas special. They don’t realize it’s a full production, from shopping for gifts to making the kids look picture ready to meet Santa. Many wives cite how their husbands just expect the holidays to be magical because their mom put in all the work and only saw their dad hang up lights as his contribution to the season. If boys don’t witness their fathers actively participating in making Christmas magic, how can we expect them to do so when they’re older?

It would be unfair to think that dads don’t undergo some kind of holiday stress. Although financial anxiety can hit both parents during the holiday season, fathers tend to sit with it more since they are traditionally in charge of the overall finances and money management. They most likely are looking at the final credit card balance, and wondering what the hell we spent so much money on. If layoffs, cancelled bonuses, or missed promotions happened this year, it not only affects the daily expenses of the family, but the holiday budget as well. This may or may not compromise how “magical” Christmas will be.

If we want to go the gamification route, make a special set of Fair Play cards for the holidays and divvy them up. Otherwise, make sure you are checking in with your partner. Share documents/calendars/lists/budgets/priorities. Make this your holiday group project.

Chasing Perfection

Making Christmas special is how you show your love to your children. You don’t want them to think they are worthless and unloved, do you? This is the time of year when moms kill themselves to create a magical world for their children. This is not a time of year where moms sit in their pajamas eating fudge. – A Bad Moms Christmas

Finally, we acknowledge that a good bit of pressure we face to make Christmas amazing is from ourselves. I know I have a perfectionist mentality. Although Christmas wasn’t a hugely celebrated holiday for me personally, I take it upon myself to make it magical for my kids. What was originally a bare minimum of putting up a tree and a few holiday decorations around the house has turned into a schedule of events, tasks, and activities. I enjoy watching my kids’ faces light up like little elves when they see all the work we put in or hear them look forward to one of our traditions. It’s my personal stress and joy to make it great for them because, not to sound emo, but there’s only so many Christmases spent with our kids before their wonderment fades. I at least want them to have good memories of it. I know I’m not the only one.

When our kid praises and truly enjoys the work we put into Christmas (BEST DAY EVER!), we get that shot of dopamine that makes everything worth it and we want to do it all again. The positive vibes that we feel also record in our brain as wonderful memories. With each year, our holiday production can soon be tied to our sense of identity. So if one Christmas doesn’t go as planned, we can’t just write it off; we take it personally. The pressure to emulate the ideal holidays as seen on tv or trying to get the coolest newest toys for our kids or throwing the greatest Christmas party ever means more to us than anyone else because if we stick the landing, then its affirming to us that we are the greatest moms ever. If we fail, well then…

Should we ask for help? Yes, but will it be done to our liking? Perhaps not.
Is this ego? Most definitely.

A simple podcast search will turn up a ton of tips on how to combat this unnecessary holiday stress. Delegating and communicating with your partner can offload it as well. No need to Keep Up with the Kardashians. And if you really want to sit in your pajamas and eat fudge, I’m pretty sure your kids will appreciate doing that with you as well.

Magic for All

I think a lot of people forget that how we celebrate holidays can be very personal, and each family group is a blend of different backgrounds and ages. A simple mom hack? Just ask your kids. What’s one thing they love about the holiday, or what event do they look forward to the most? Ask yourself that as well. Centering your immediate family (the real reason we do all of this in the first place) will be the best guide to navigate this season. Bring on the magic.

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