NO WIRE HANGERS, EVER! (Mommie Dearest, 1981)

The classic story of a mother off the rails, Mommie Dearest recounts the parenting years of Golden Age Hollywood actress Joan Crawford and her demanding, irrational behavior towards her two adopted children. Sure, it’s campy, but it doesn’t feel that far off when we have our own bouts with mom rage.

All the Rage

Just because mom rage is a not an official clinical diagnosis doesn’t mean it’s not visceral or real. It’s that intense, unbridled anger that can lead to verbal and/or physical outbursts. A lot of new moms are prone to feel rage as they transition into their caregiver role. Up to 21% of women deal with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders where postpartum rage can be a symptom. However, this seething emotion may also be a way for experienced mothers to express their stress, sadness, and fear.

The difference between typical anger and mom rage is that it feels out of control. It’s hulking out to the nth degree. Although anger and rage may be completely out of character for you, it’s a constant feeling that lingers under the surface, making us feel on edge and ready to snap at the slightest trigger.

Mom rage can erupt from variety of factors, including:

• Caregiver burnout, enduring the physical and mental fatigue from parenting obligations
• The lack of self-care, putting their family’s needs before their own
• Limited support, shouldering most child-rearing and domestic duties (on top of professional responsibilities)
• Fear of judgement, hiding parental frustrations for fear of being labeled a “bad mom”
• Anxiety and grief, handling the physical, emotional, and mental changes of becoming a parent
• Life stressors, like finances, sleep deprivation, or relationships between family and friends

So pretty much everyday life? Great, good to know…

For Joan in Mommie Dearest, it obviously wasn’t really about the wire hangers. It was about the fact that she worked so hard to provide for her kids and felt “disrespected”. For Patti, sometimes the rage comes from her kids incessant talking over each other (STFU already), or having to repeat herself a million times; or even worse, it’s all of the things, all at once, at the most inconvenient time.

Mom rage is an out-of-body experience. You don’t want to yell at your kids, curse at your spouse, or throw the closest object across the room, but you do anyway (very exorcist). Gone are the days of the gentle and docile woman. But then post-outburst, we have strong feelings of shame and guilt.

The problem is that this rage isn’t a one-time thing, especially if the root cause isn’t addressed. Anger builds, blows up when you least expect it, and then you deal with the aftermath. Rinse and Repeat. I can’t tell you the number of times I have had moments of rage and regret, from screaming at everyone in the room to immediately crying and apologizing for my actions. I look insane. This cycle is vicious and it’s exhausting.

Taming the Pyscho-mom

Although mom rage is more common than we think, it still carries a stigma: You lost your sh*t on your kids?! They’re just kids! What’s wrong with you? That shame is what keeps us from sharing our experiences (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and finding more effective ways to support one another as moms.

Full disclosure: I experience mom rage from time to time. Although it’s gotten better, I’m not proud of it. I’ve questioned myself multiple times if I’m even a good parent after my anger gets the best of me. But honestly, none of this actually qualifies me (or anyone else for that matter) to be a bad mom. It may be our own subconscious telling us that we need something addressed, like our own health and well-being. So how can we get out of our own hell loop and reduce our rage? Here are some strategies to try:

• Journaling. Writing down your emotions can be a huge help to not only help identify the triggers associated to your mom rage, but also to figure out the crux of issue and ways to address it. For me, I wasn’t taking care of myself (sleep deprivation and lack of downtime) and was triggered by my kids’ constant need for my assistance and attention. When I could reflect on why I was losing it, I could start start seeing the pattern better.
  
  
• Practice mindfulness. Activities like yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, or even a stroll around the neighborhood can help relax our nervous system, bring awareness to our internal thoughts, and reduce negative feelings. We get FOMO thinking about how rage rooms were so trendy and we never got to go as parents. Goes without saying that these activities should also be done sans kids.
  
  
• Take (self) care. If you know you have a low tolerance level when you don’t get enough sleep, make that a priority. Same goes for becoming hangry, not getting a workout in, or skipping reading time. It’s not selfish, it’s part of being a human. When you take care of yourself, everyone benefits.
  
  
• Speak up. Even if you’re Supermom, it’s always going to take a village. If you feel like you’re drowning with all the childcare and work and household tasks, don’t feel ashamed to let your partner know and get additional help. All of the team parenting tips will help, but they won’t happen unless you voice your feelings.
  
  
• Take a moment. If you feel your anger bubbling up, it’s okay to step away and take a breath. When my kids become too much, I try to be direct with “Mommy needs a break.” I’ll take a few minutes, take a step away, and figure myself out.

As per usual Millennial style, we saw an IG post that said anger is a release of expression. We generally feel better after letting out everything that’s been built up. An episode of mom rage is NORMAL. YOU. ARE. NOT. PSYCHO. With all of the #honestmom posts out there normalizing the emotional ups and downs of motherhood, you are in fact in pretty good company.

No one can be Joan Crawford, and that’s a good thing.

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