“Eat dinner as a family”, they said.

“It’ll help boost morale and connection with your kids,” they said.

“It’ll be a great time had by all,” they said.

Then why do we feel like we’re banging our heads up against the wall when our kid’s behavior and manners at the table are like a scene out of Gremlins? Well, no one said it was going to be easy (and if they did, they are liars).

Family dinners have been a cultural norm in the US for decades. But all those wholesome Norman Rockwell scenes of sitting together and politely eating a meal are not the realities of what we ACTUALLY experience on a daily basis right now. In fact, it’s quite the opposite (kids getting in and out of chairs, refusing to eat their food, spills/messes on the floor, you and your spouse trying to talk over the calamity, etc).

A 2021 study examined parents’ ideals for family and dinner and compared it with what is actually occurring during family mealtimes. They found that most parents have similar goals at dinner (being together as a family, everyone calm and leisurely, children eating the same healthy food as adults), but reported barriers, like disruptive behavior, that made those goals difficult to accomplish.

A previous study yielded a similar sentiment, revealing that parents felt more satisfied and accomplished when their kids tried new foods or enjoyed what was served to them. However, they felt sad or “like a failure” when dinners did not meet their expectations.

But here’s the reality: we may be demanding more from our kids than what they are developmentally capable of. Their brains are still maturing and figuring out what is socially appropriate and what isn’t.

So what can we honestly expect from our kids when gathered round the dinner table? Here’s a breakdown:

18- to 24-Month-Olds

• Can drink out of a cup, but may spill as they refine their sip and swallow skills
• Will use utensils more consistently to feed themselves, but may be messy as their coordination and body awareness improves. May still prefer eating with hands.
• Can sit appropriately for 2-6 minutes at a time while eating at the table. They slowly build their postural control and endurance to maintain a seated upright position, while also learning to adapt to sensory distractions within their surroundings.

2- to 3-Year-Olds

• Because their prefrontal cortex is still developing, toddlers and preschoolers do not have the patience, impulse control, or self-regulatory skills necessary to keep themselves in check. They just let their emotional flags fly.
• Can drink from a regular cup without excessive spillage, phasing out the need for straws or other training cups
• Can sit for 10-15 minutes at the dinner table, give or take how hungry they are or how much they are enjoying their meal
• Basic table manners can be taught and expected at this time, like:
  • Waiting until everyone is seated to start eating
  • Using polite words, such as “please” and “thank you”
  • Not throwing or banging their utensils or food
  • Not reaching over to take food from another person’s plate
  • Not screaming at the table and instead using their “indoor voice”, especially to garner attention
  • Using a napkin to wipe their mouth

At this age, our children are learning to listen to their bodies and advocating for more autonomy. Children will stop eating when they feel full and it’s okay if that means there’s still some food left on their plate. We need to respect that even if it annoys us. To curb our frustration, we can offer smaller portions, refill when requested, and provide a variety of healthy food options during mealtime. It’s up to them to determine what and how much food to eat.

4- to 5-Year-Olds

• Can consistently manage their behavior and impulses during mealtime
• Have mastered feeding themselves with a spoon and fork
• Can sit at the dinner table for 20-30 minutes; enough time to eat a meal but too antsy to wait for dessert
• Expansion of table manner etiquette can include:
  • Chewing with their mouth closed
  • Politely requesting for food (“Please pass the mac and cheese”)
  • Not negatively critiquing food, like “Ew, gross! Yuck! Who would eat that?!”

Just because your pre-K/kindergartener has more self-control doesn’t mean that they won’t need reminders of how to appropriately conduct themselves during mealtimes. Verbal reminders, like saying “manners” if they’re about to negatively critique the food, or visual reminders, like putting lips to your mouth to remind them to chew with their mouth closed, will help them become more consistent.

6 and Up

• Can recognize how their words and actions affect other people, helping them understand the purpose of table manners
• Can use a knife to cut solid foods like chicken, meat, and vegetables
• Can sit the entire duration of dinner time
• Refined dinner etiquette:
  • Appropriate placement and use of a napkin, especially when discarding already chewed food they didn’t like
  • Thanking the person who prepared the meal
  • Serving themselves and passing food around the table
  • Prohibiting the use of electronic devices during dinnertime
  • Learning to become a good host to friends and family

As kids get older, the easier it is for them to adhere to established manners and etiquette to avoid awkward social situations (that’s how nicknames and reputations come to be, and no one wants a bad one). If they develop an interest in trying new foods, experiencing new cultures, or just going to different kinds of restaurants/events, they’ll also learn other etiquettes and manners outside our own.

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Watch and Learn

Kids learn through observation and experience. That means they if we want them to have good table manners, we need to step up and lead by example. This also means that we need to stop making dinner time a battleground with our children (limiting overcorrections, yelling, or punishments). The more negative dinner time vibes your children face, the less likely they’ll want to take part in it. If we loosen the reigns, let go of the romanticized version of what mealtime should look like, and just enjoy the presence of our loved ones, perhaps family dinners can be everything the parenting experts recommend.

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