There’s No “I” in Team: The Parent-Teacher Relationship

When my son was three years old, his teachers expressed concerns about his behavior in class. He wasn’t following directions, had a tough time staying seated during circle time, and was distracting his classmates. With all of the other kids in the class, they were having a difficult time dealing with my son and unsure how to handle him. End story.
What? That’s it? That’s all you have to say?

With this news, a rush of anxiety came flooding in.
OMG, they think he’s a bad kid.
Does he have ADHD?
Am I a bad parent?

I know that other parents have these kinds of talks with their kid’s teachers, doctors, counselors; and more times than not, that is the end of the conversation. But it doesn’t have to be.

It’s not always easy to talk to your kid’s teachers. We may not feel like it’s our place or not know how to effectively communicate our thoughts in the moment. But when there’s a disconnect between you, your child, and the teachers, it is important to speak up and voice any questions or concerns.

At Face Value

It’s important to keep in mind that teachers aren’t “coming for your kid”. There’s no reckoning to be had. They are responsible for the education of all the students in their class, not just yours. Their observations are from the perspective of how your child is taking in new information and noting any behaviors that could potentially affect their learning (or the learning of others). With that said, you can always find out more about their statements, especially if it leaves you confused or worried.

Don’t know what to say? Here are some examples:

If the teachers says:

“Your child is having a difficult time sitting still and it’s distracting to the other students.”
“Your child is having a tough time following directions and recalling things in class.”
“Your child is easily distracted and it’s hard to get them back on track.”
“Your child is having a difficult time waiting for their turn to speak.”
“Your child gets very upset over little things and it sometimes comes out of nowhere.”

You can ask questions, like:

How long has this been going on for? How frequent?
What strategies have you tried and have they helped?
What part of the day do you see most of this behavior? (Before/after lunch or recess, morning/afternoon, writing/reading/math, group/one-on-one, etc.)
What kind of behaviors are you noticing?
Is this unusual for their age?
Are other students displaying this type of behavior? (Could be a herd mentality)
Do other teachers observe this behavior too?
How concerned are you about this?
What can we do at home to help?

The more intel you can gain from their teacher, the more context you’ll have about what’s going on in school and how best to help your child. In turn, make sure to keep the teacher in the loop of anything that may be happening at home since that can play a factor in your kid’s academic performance.

One of the main reasons my son was acting up in this particular instance was because he had a major life shift from being an only child to big brother. That meant a lot of noise, reduced attention, and interrupted sleep. How were his teachers supposed to know how intense this change was affecting him if we didn’t loop them in? Exactly.

We’re On Each Other’s Team

Teachers can be a great ally, but it may be tricky for us not to take their feedback about our child’s performance personally. No, they don’t think you’re a bad parent or that your child is a bad seed. They bring these updates to your attention to keep you in the know, gather information about your kid, and pick your brain about how to help them. Why? Because you know your kiddo better than anyone else.

So, how do you strengthen the partnership with their teacher?

Open lines of communication. Don’t feel like you must withhold any information or concerns until the next parent-teacher conference. Let your teacher know if you have questions or if any changes have happened at home. For example, if you see your child becoming frustrated with reading, find out if they notice it at school too. If they are frequently coming home in tears, ask the teacher if your kid has been struggling at school (with school work, peers, etc). Some teachers prefer emails. Some have classroom apps with text messaging. Some prefer physical notes. There are usually at least two options open to keep you in contact.
Respect the space. As you establish and build trust with your teacher, remember to respect their boundaries. If you email them over the weekend, don’t expect them to email you back until Monday. Also, don’t address all your personal worries during curriculum night/open house/after school function. They may not be in the appropriate headspace to have a conversation that requires their undivided attention and empathy during these times.
Beware heavy machinery parenting. Helicopter, snowplow, lawn mower, bulldozer… We may not identify with these parenting styles, but we may exhibit these tendencies when we see our child struggle in school. If your kid is getting picked on by a classmate, talk to the teacher about the situation and how they are addressing it, rather than demand punishment. If your child forgot an assignment or didn’t do it, let them face the consequences rather than “fix” the situation with XYZ excuses.
Jot it down. If your brain tends to draw blanks when talking to your teacher, put it in writing. It can help organize your thoughts and provide clarity in what you’d like to discuss. For more serious conversations, make sure your notes include: who you talked to, what about, when, where the discussion took place, how the issue will be resolved, and why that resolution was chosen. This sounds extreme, but a paper trail is helpful if additional accommodations or services may be needed. It also helps the teacher’s reference.
Be involved. Parent-teacher conferences, PTO meetings, and any school events that may impact your child, attend them. This helps you get to know the other people who are involved in your child’s academic and personal growth. It also helps teachers get to know you personally and signals that you are active and invested in your child’s community.

So, what happened during that talk with my son’s teachers? We provided context about what was happening at home for why he may be struggling in school. Our twin girls were recently born, and NO ONE was getting enough sleep, including our son. We discussed what time in the school day he starts to struggle as well as when his attention is at its optimal. We also exchanged strategies that have been implemented to address these behaviors, reviewing what has been successful at home or at school. We also agreed to check his progress in a couple of months. Once he got enough sleep and we had a united front with both parents and teachers, our son was able to succeed in class.