Breaking Down So Badly: After-School Restraint Collapse

The first few weeks of school can be a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde situation. Your kid’s teacher tells you they’re doing great at school, making friends, paying attention, all that good stuff. But that’s not what you see when you get home. In fact, you get quite the opposite (screaming, crying, perfect storms). So, what in the T. Swift is going on?

Turns out that these fits and meltdowns are typical, so typical that it even gets its own special name: After-school restraint collapse. Originally coined by counselor and parenting expert Andrea Loewen Nair, it refers to a child’s emotional, mental, and physical release once their school day is over. School is regimented with rules to follow and lessons to learn, plus picking up all the social cues and expectations from classmates and teachers; all requiring mental stamina and self-control. So once our kids hop in the car or get off the bus, they start to decompress in whatever form they see fit.

For example, I got nothing but crickets from my kid last year when we walked home from the bus. Ask him a question about his day? No reply, or he’d give some frustrated response if I kept pressing. He’d also run home from the bus stop some days, leaving me in the dust.

Not all these emotional outbursts are the same, since not all kids are the same. Reactions also vary with age. For instance, a kindergartener may scream and cry while a 5^th grader may sulk and whine. One afternoon, Patti’s daughter once said that she was going to end Patti’s life and steal her car to go to the park.

It’s worth mentioning that this is not a tantrum, but a meltdown. They spent most of their day utilizing their cognitive skills to pay attention, recall, rationalize, and analyze new info. To do this, the brain releases an inhibitory transmitter (GABA) to retain intel and calm down when small stresses occur. However, once it’s depleted, a flood of emotions and sensations are released an you’ve got yourself an emotional outburst.

After-school restraint collapse can also involve:

Defiance
Withdrawal
Screaming
Mood swings
Irritability
Aggression
Whining

Why do kids collapse (literally and figuratively) once they’re home with us? Because this is where they feel safe to fall apart. It’s like calling up your spouse, bestie, or your own parents to vent and ugly cry when something goes wrong. It’s not pretty but we know that our tears and frustrations are heard without judgement. Our kids feel that way with us. Aww…

Another reason could be due to defensive detachment. Rather than mental fatigue dictating their meltdown, defensive detachment stems from feeling vulnerable when placed in new or challenging situations without their parent present. Once they’re reunited with their caregiver, however, they express their anger and frustration towards them, despite their relief to see them. I needed you and you weren’t there!

After-school restraint collapse is common, especially at that start of the school year. Some kids are more susceptible to it than others, like children who are more sensitive, emotionally intense, or those who have difficulties learning or with social skills. It can also pop up when your kiddo has had a particularly rough or stressful day at school. Hey, we’ve all been there.

This is Not a Drill

When our kids are about to shift from Bruce Banner to the Incredible Hulk, here are some things we can do to help calm them down:

Body check. When your child is focused on keeping it together at school, they may not recognize their body’s signals to maintain homeostasis. Offer snacks, water, a trip to the bathroom, or perhaps some quiet time if they’re tired.
Be the safe space. If your kiddo is well past logic and reasoning and into their feels, let them go through their emotions. Acknowledge and label their feelings, giving them permission to vent and process them as they come. It might sound something like this: “Seems like you’ve had a rough day. You look really upset. It’s okay if you want to yell about it. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” By taking a proactive approach and encouraging them to openly feel their feelings, even if it’s loud or intense, you help them overcome negative emotions. If they prefer not to, that’s okay too. Just be there, be present, and be calm.
Talk about it later. When your child is in an emotional state, that is not an ideal time to deep dive into what’s going on. Once they’ve powered down completely, let them know that you’re available to talk about whatever happened at school and help them problem-solve any situations they may come across. Give in 30 minutes to an hour or so. This would also be a good time to talk about appropriate ways to communicate their frustrations or feelings, like the amount of time and location to decompress.

Prepped for the Storm

Even though these meltdowns aren’t 100% avoidable, there are ways to reduce them in the future:

Check their schedule. The more your child has going on in the day, the more energy they must exert to stay on task and complete them. That also includes the little things, like the length of their bus ride, how much homework or chores they have, any extracurriculars they are a part of, etc. You may need to consider their circadian rhythm as well. If they’re constantly breaking down, there may be a mismatch between their energy level, mental endurance, and the demands of the activity involved. You may need to reduce the amount of obligations after-school, pack an extra snack or water for the ride home, or reserve some downtime before doing an activity that requires their attention.
Stay in the loop. Chat with your kid regularly. Talk to their teacher, recognize and remember their friends names, find out about upcoming events and tests. The more you know, the more you’re prepared for any issues that may mentally exhaust your child.
Capitalize on connection. Find ways to make positive memories and relationships with your kiddo. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture; it may be one-on-one time in the morning as they’re eating breakfast, tucking them into bed and talking about whatever comes to mind, or even snuggling while watching a show. By building these positive connections, you strengthen the bond between you and your child, letting them know that you will always be there for them, even on their hardest school days.
Take care of yourself. Handling meltdowns of any kind can be taxing on parents. It’s hard to not to be triggered by irrational screams or backtalk, especially if you’re running on empty. Get sleep, eat well, drink water, and don’t take these moments personally. You can’t help them get regulated if you aren’t regulated yourself.

As kids develop more emotional resiliency and become acclimated to their new schedule and routine, after-school restraint collapse fades overtime. But honestly, even it comes back up every now and then, that’s fine. A cathartic moment is a sign that our kids are learning to cope and figuring out where and how to release their emotions. It’s nice to know that they put that much trust in us to fall apart, knowing that we will help put them back together.