The holidays have arrived, bringing with them the ritual of gifting wish lists. Yet, as every parent knows, last year’s treasures don’t always stand the test of time. While some presents do become beloved companions and favored sources of entertainment, others unfortunately break, or gather dust, or get lost in the abyss. When asked about it, they simply shrug before adding a nearly identical (and equally useless) toy to next year’s list. UGH! The audacity…

As the season of giving begins, we can’t help but wonder: If kids want these toys so badly, why don’t they care for them? And if they don’t, why ask for them at all?  There must be a good explanation for this, right? Turns out, there is.

It’s Just Their Nature

My kids’ Christmas lists feel more like a catalog sweep. Every toy they’ve spotted in an ad, store, or commercial has made the cut and they apparently can’t live without. While I admire their enthusiasm and confidence in asking, the choices feel random and shallow; more about the thrill of wanting/getting than any actual lasting interest. And sure enough, half of it ends up abandoned after the big unwrapping. Like, WHY?! Not in this economy….

Honestly, kids are built this way. At ages 3 to 5, impulse control is barely on the radar, so every colorful, sparkly toy feels like something they need right now to chase that rush of excitement. By 6 to 8, those impulses begin to settle into clearer priorities, but the lists remain long and inconsistent, fueled by commercials, catalogs, and peer influence.

Beyond the limited self-control and surface-level requests, what is frustrating is how they treat the toys they already own. We expect pieces to go missing or things to break, but it’s the seeming indifference toward those items that makes us think twice about gifting them with even more.

Kids often don’t take care of their toys because they’re still developing responsibility, self-control, and an understanding of value. Some reasons include:

• Not mature enough to care. Young children struggle to care for toys because ownership and responsibility are still developing. They don’t yet connect wanting something with taking care of it. Additionally, play at this age is driven by curiosity and impulse. This means that rough handling or abandoning toys mid-play is par for the course. This obviously doesn’t apply to the emotional-security plushie or lovey that has the coveted “favorite” status.
  
  
• Limited attention. Kids quickly lose interest in toys because of short attention spans, habituation, and a natural drive for novelty. What was once exciting soon feels ordinary, and moving on to new things without much thought is part of how they learn.
  
  
• The abundance effect. When children have too many toys, each one tends to feel less special, resulting in less care and attention. Attachments to toys can shift quickly. For instance, today’s favorite may be forgotten tomorrow, only to matter again when we suggest donating it.
  
  
• Toys = tools for learning. For kids, toys are primarily tools for exploration and imagination rather than prized possessions to protect. They’re far more likely to cut Barbie’s hair or send an action figure swirling down the toilet in the name of discovery than to treat them like heirlooms. (A common fallacy for grandparents’ gift-giving motivations.)

While we recognize children can’t fully control these behaviors, it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. The toy itself isn’t the issue, but the meaning behind it. Gifts carry symbolic weight, representing love and thoughtfulness; however, children may not yet grasp that. They understand Grandma gave them the toy out of love, but they don’t see how misplacing or damaging it might seem dismissive of that sentiment.

Even though children don’t intend harm, parents may view the treatment of gifts as a reflection of their parenting. They might see toys as opportunities to teach values like gratitude, respect, and responsibility, so careless behavior can stir frustration or sadness when those lessons don’t seem to stick. On top of that, toys often represent financial cost or effort, making neglect feel like a rejection of that investment. That mismatch between a child’s intent and an adult’s interpretation often creates emotional tension and second-guessing when sorting through holiday wish lists.

Over-Gifted

As much as we gripe, we can’t help but get swept up into the holiday spirit. Who doesn’t love that dopamine hit when kids’ eyes sparkle and they leap with joy over Christmas presents? And it’s not just parents; family members all want in on the magic, too. This can lead to over-gifting, resulting in children ending up with way more presents than they can meaningfully enjoy or manage. (For the love of God, don’t fall for it….)

For the record, children themselves rarely ask to get ALL the gifts. In fact, they’re more attuned to play and presence than to abundance. The impulse actually comes from adults layering symbolic meaning onto gifts. This can be:

• A love language. Gifts are often seen as tangible proof of affection. Family members may worry that without material demonstrations, their love won’t be felt.
• For validation. By showering children with presents, relatives may seek both appreciation and a stronger presence in their life.
• To prove something. Relatives may feel compelled to demonstrate generosity, status, or connection through gifts, but this pressure can transform genuine giving into a performance rather than an authentic act of care.
• Due to emotional codependence. Excessive gifting can be linked the codependent patterns where worth hinges on others’ happiness and love is measured through the number of gifts.

Although parents and family members may equate “more gifts” with “more love,” kids often cherish time, attention, and shared experiences most. Research suggests younger children find more joy in material gifts since tangible items are easier for developing brains to process. Young kids find joy in toys because they can see, touch, and repeatedly interact with them, while experiences fade quickly from memory. But as children grow, this switches. Their brains and social awareness evolve, and shared moments become more meaningful than things.

What to Do

So, how can we help our kids handle their “stuff”, especially this holiday season?

• Make that wish list meaningful. Encourage children to think carefully about their choices. Having kids rank their wishes teaches them to prioritize, while formats like “Top 3” or “One Big, One Small, One Shared” shift the focus from quantity to quality. Also be sure they ask for different things from different people, so you don’t get multiples of the same gift.
  
  
• Show your wish list. Share what you want for Christmas with your kids and why you’d want it. More than likely the reasons are deeper than “because I just want it.” Also, involve your kids in the holiday shopping. Ask questions like, “What do you think your sister/grandma/dad would like for a gift?”.
  
  
• Gift experiences (with a physical gift). Pairing a tangible item with an outing, like a soccer ball with game tickets or a fancier dress with a trip to the theatre, helps connect material joy to lasting memories. Encourage requests that involve family or friends, such as board games or shared excursions that can help create core memories.
  
  
• Teach and reinforce responsibility. Help kids learn to care for their toys by modeling gentle handling, creating fun clean‑up routines, and giving clear instructions with organized spaces. Explaining why care matters, using logical consequences, and praising effort helps children build responsibility and respect for their belongings. Bring in Boxing Day traditions, as well. If it’s out with the old, you can show intention and care while sorting donation items.

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Side Note: Family Going Off Script

Relatives often want to show their care through gifts, but it can lead to clutter, overwhelm, or toys that don’t align with your values. Here are some ways to shut that down:

• Share your family’s approach before the holidays, like saying “We’re focusing on keeping gifts thoughtful and simple this year, Thanks for helping us make this happen.” The tried-and-true “Something they want, something they need, something they wear, something they read” is a good mindset to share.
  
• Offer guidance by providing a wish list or categories (books, art supplies, experiences). You could also suggest alternatives like annual passes, memberships, or contributions to a bigger item.
  
• Emphasize that you want their gifts to be appreciated and used. For example, “The kids love building sets right now. Anything in that theme would be great.” This works with sports equipment, book series’, and art kits.
  
• Lighthearted phrasing can soften boundaries, such as “Our toy bins are getting crazy, so we’re steering clear of random gadgets this year. Help us keep the chaos down!”
  
• Use the “big picture” framework. Explain that too many toys can overwhelm kids and dilute the joy. “We’ve noticed the kids enjoy gifts more when they’re fewer and more thoughtful.”

While we don’t like using the Bad Cop approach, telling family members that their gifts from last year have bitten the dust can be a wake-up call. We’ve had friends share pictures on social media of crazy messy bedrooms or how much time it’s taken to clean up toys. The same goes with toddler toys that are too noisy or if you already have a mountain of stuffed animals.

While gift cards, experience gifts, and deposits to college funds aren’t the most exciting thing to unwrap, they are less likely to end up in the trash.

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