It’s been 4 years since we wrote The Girlfriends’ Guide to Surviving Multiples. So how’s life been since then?

“Does It Ever Get Better?” – Mary

When our twin girls arrived, we were completely overwhelmed—sleep-deprived, short on support, navigating our older child’s adjustment to sibling life, all while caring for not one, but two newborns. At times, it felt like this relentless exhaustion might last forever. Whenever we met fellow twin parents, my husband and I would ask, “Does it get better?” The responses varied, but the overarching message was yes, it does. As for whether it gets easier, not quite. With time and experience, I now fully understand what they meant.

Raising twins doesn’t necessarily get “easier,” but it does change over time with new challenges at every stage and with more intensity. It’s like raising one child, but amplified. Double the cries, but also the smiles and laughter. It’s very much “When they’re good, they’re great. But when they’re bad, it’s terrible.”

One of the biggest challenges in the early days of raising twins is adapting to the new dynamic. No matter the size of the family before their arrival, everything shifts dramatically when two little ones, both with identical needs, demand attention at the same time. While some parents may find it manageable to alternate nighttime duties or default to one parent with a singleton, that approach doesn’t work with twins. It’s an all-hands-on-deck situation, at least for the first 6 months.

It can be difficult for parents to focus solely on the individual parenting and developmental needs of each twin. Since twins may reach the same milestones simultaneously, attending to one child without feeling pulled toward the other can be tough. This constant balancing act creates an ongoing sense of competition for attention.

Side note: If you do try to take on twin baby duties solo, it is unsustainable and you will burn out, especially if you are experiencing postpartum depression (I speak from personal experience).

But here’s the thing, it does get better. Despite the initial chaos, our family learned to adapt to the new norm, forgoing what no longer worked and accepting what did. By the time our girls reached toddlerhood, life felt more manageable, and we finally found ourselves back on steadier ground.

Two of a Kind

My daughters are identical twins. Yes, they walk alike, they talk alike, they even laugh alike.

Not sure if it’s because they look similar or that they were born together, but my girls have been seen as a package deal. For instance, my girls are frequently referred to as “the twins” or “H and K” by their classmates. There’s also the case of mistaken identity, oftentimes having to correct people on who they are. I mean, my husband and I are guilty of mixing them up and we’re their parents.

I worry that this constant pairing and confusion of names may affect how they grow up as separate individuals with unique personalities and preferences.

Unlike fraternal twins, identical twins originate from a single fertilized egg that splits into two embryos, resulting in two individuals that share 100% of their genetic makeup. But the sharing doesn’t end there. They must share space in utero, as well as access to and attention from their parents from now and until forever.

But having a built-in best friend has its perks. The connection between identical twins is often regarded as one of the strongest human bonds, offering immense comfort and support. However, this deep attachment can sometimes make it difficult for them to form meaningful relationships outside of their twin, as they may feel that no one else truly understands them on the same level. This sentiment can lead to separation anxiety, difficulty regulating emotions independently, and hesitation in exploring new experiences alone. For instance, K has a passion for singing, while H gravitates toward STEM activities. To nurture their individual interests, we enrolled them in separate after-school enrichment programs. Yet, despite her love for music, K immediately wanted to be with H. To her, the specific program didn’t matter. She just wanted to be with her sister.

This codependence fosters a symbiotic relationship in which each twin takes on certain responsibilities that, under different circumstances, they might handle independently. For example, H is naturally reserved and depends on K to initiate conversations, assessing whether others are safe and approachable before she interacts. In return, K leans on H for problem-solving and tackling difficult tasks, allowing her to avoid those challenges herself.

Another concern is the ongoing comparisons between twins, whether intentional or subconscious. For some reason, friends, family, and society seem inclined to contrast one twin with the other. While this may not appear to be a problem at first, the relentless scrutiny can spark insecurities about being perceived as “the lesser twin.” For instance, if one twin is branded as “the emotional one,” they might suppress their feelings in an effort to gain the same love and attention their sibling receives (similar to raising a mini-me).

From We to Me

Twin identity and independence is a legit concern among the twin parent community. I’m sure I’ll get into this topic at a later date, but here is what we’ve been doing to help them figure out who they are:

• Letting them dress themselves and having them figure out their own style.
• Enrolling them in activities of their own interest. While this hasn’t been as successful as I’d hoped, I think this will change in the future as they get older and have more opportunities to separate from each other and make new friends independent of one another.
• Separating them whenever possible. I may take H to the store by herself one day or take K to the park the next. I try to provide as much one-on-one time as possible so that they feel seen by me.
• Helping each of them build conflict resolution and emotional regulation skills so they don’t rely on each other.
• Praising each of their qualities and achievements and reminding them that they do not have to be like their twin, even if they look like them.

Eventually when they enter public school, it is usually school policy that they be placed in separate classes for all of the reasons listed above. I’m hoping that when we get to that bridge, they’ll have the confidence to cross it and have their own separate but parallel paths.

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The Juggling Act – Patti

I think I’ve shared quite a bit about what my twins have been doing in the last 4 years. We’ve transitioned from nanny-care to preschool to public school, and it has been a fairly smooth road so far. We’ve navigated separate bedrooms, separate classrooms, separate wardrobes, and now at almost 7-years-old, we’ve gotten to separate sports.

I’ve always been a planner, so scheduling extracurriculars for the girls has always been going on; but this year, they are starting to deviate. Z decided that she wanted to try golf and A particularly took to tennis during last year’s summer camps. This led to the girls having one team sport and one individual sport per season as a standard family scheduling rule.

This summer, half of their summer camps will now be separate. They each wanted to do different things, from STEM to musical theater to swim. A also wanted to switch her team sport from field hockey to soccer for the fall, something that Z wants absolutely no part of. While I don’t mind the girls pursuing different activities, this means that both me and Troy will be hitting the road for pick-up and drop-off every…damn…day.

We’ve gotten a little taste of this this spring when Z also started tutoring. Yes, just because they’re twins does not mean their academic journeys are the same. A is in a more advanced small group in her class and took to reading very fast. Z, while still on grade level, is not as academically confident. More on this later. Z’s tutoring is 4 days per week through the end of the summer, and it has been a big undertaking for the whole family. It affects screen time and rest time quotas, dinner time schedules, and time with the grandparents. I didn’t think we would be doing so much commuting until at least middle school.

Personal Space

Since birth, the girls have had to share nearly everything. They spent 100% of their waking hours together and were each other’s constant playmates. This is also one of the things that we’re slowly starting to part from. Twins can definitely get sick of each other, and can definitely want to do different things together. The concept of compromise and equity has been a big lesson.

We’ve been quicker to point out when one kid is “getting her way” much more than the other. We have to be slightly pickier about who did what to whom, and which kid is in the wrong. We are diligent about whose turn it is or who has gotten more. And sometimes when the bickering just won’t give, we are fast to put them both in quiet time in their separate rooms. It’s not all the time, but the dynamic between the two of them makes it so sometimes Troy and I have to be more like referees.

Twin stereotypes are very much binary: twins are either carbon copies of one another or they are polar opposites. I think it’s funny that Mary and I got a set of each, and they are all Leos. I admit that since my girls are fraternal twins and look nothing alike, it has been easier to regard them as two separate people. They have very different temperaments, motivations, learning curves, and physical traits. Are they still a bit codependent? Yes. Can they even get jealous of each other? Yes.

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

Small little aside to round everything out: Twins are expensive.

Yes, you are paying double, and if I had two kids at different ages, I would still be spending money on them. But somehow it just hits different. Maybe because in the infant and toddler ages, a lot of things are free or you can share between the two kids and there isn’t as much of an argument. After a certain age, everything is doubled up front. Flights, membership fees, child care, eating at restaurants, etc. The girls get to the point of “wanting their own”. “I want my own plate” or “I want my own dessert”, even though you know they aren’t finishing their own plate and you just paid more for it to go to waste.

Book stores, getting snacks at a gas station, christmas shopping; somehow the intention of keeping things equal (If she gets this, then can I have this?), ends up escalating both. Eventually you end up putting the kibosh on it, and start saying no to everything.

And it’s not just for parents. During the Girl Scout Cookie season, the girls had their own different sales accounts. Family and friends ended up buying a lot more cookies than usual because they wanted to support both girls, and keep their cookie sales “even”. For birthdays, I’ve recommended that friends and family give them one birthday gift that is somewhat shareable, instead of trying to buy two different gifts that may or may not match. It’s a weird balance.

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