Coffee Chat: Patti’s Thanksgiving Story

When Mary and I started talking about the holidays, I shared with her one of my particularly meh Thanksgivings. My parents divorced earlier than I can remember and I’ve been in a number of blended families growing up, making for some very awkward holidays to the say the least.

I had a Thanksgiving with my dad and grandmother where I was completely silent. I once spent the holiday with my mom and her friend who ended up being a hoarder. In 2008, I said I was thankful that Barack Obama was going to be president and an entire table of Boomer adults became unhinged. But in the story I’m sharing today, I am 20 and a junior at UF.

After my second year of college, my mom and brother moved to Gainesville to be closer. That first Thanksgiving, I stayed in my apartment and went over to my mom’s apartment on Thanksgiving Day. When I got there mid-morning, she was sleeping and when I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving, she didn’t really even acknowledge it was a holiday. I could tell my brother was a little confused about what to do as well.

When we found out that she didn’t plan on having a Thanksgiving dinner, or any dinner for that matter, we brought up possibly going out to lunch instead. So we headed out to a Szechuan restaurant and immediately saw that they were closed. We drove around and realized that every restaurant was closed and dark, obviously.

The next best thing? I suggested we stop at a grocery store and maybe pick up some things for a nice dinner. We stopped at a Kash and Karry at 11:50 and found out that they were promptly closing at noon. We had 10 minutes to grab what we could. However, this supermarket was bare bones. Nothing for side dishes, not a lot of meat cuts, nothing ready in the bakery.

My mom grabbed a bag of frozen seafood and said she would just make seafood stew. Normally that would’ve been fine, except she had literally just made seafood stew last week.

To be fair, my mom is not a big holiday person. She works nights and holidays. She doesn’t enjoy cooking a ton of food and being stuck with leftovers, especially if it’s not Filipino food. She was also working that night because of Black Friday, so she made us a quick seafood stew lunch and went back to bed.

Since then, I’ve obviously been to a lot of Thanksgivings, some really big and some just me and Troy. I’ve hosted Friendsgivings and have gone through the Forgot-to-defrost-the-turkey rite of passage. I loved finally having my own place and not feeling obligated to go to a parent’s house; and now with the kids, I find myself in an interesting observational position.

So much of Thanksgiving (and the holidays altogether) is driven by the moms. My mom didn’t feel up to it when I was 20, so it didn’t happen. I hosted for the first time two years ago and loved it. If mom is excited about the holiday, there is a lot of happy bustle. If she’s stressed, the whole house is stressed. If she’s on autopilot, it might just be a meh dinner. So it begs the question, what do moms really want out of the holidays?

The holidays are teeming with miscommunication, unspoken expectations, drama, and JUDGEMENT; especially for an occasion that is supposed to center around gratitude. I’ve always had to have a good amount of cynicism concerning the holidays, but damn. How do we make it special and put our best foot forward without going psycho like Jamie Lee Curtis in The Bear?

Could it be as easy as opting for potluck over moms making the whole dinner?
Could it be having a Thanksgiving lunch instead of dinner?
Could it be having the meal on Friday or Saturday?
Could it be nixing the turkey and choosing something that is infinitely easier to prepare?
Maybe it’s just making a pro/con list of the things we like and the things we are over?

Like all great Millennial conversations, we need to start with backstory context, reflection, flexibility and communication. And to throw it back to ParentData, we also need to frame it for our immediate family. This means that maybe the overall picture of what Thanksgiving is could change. But if it changes in a way that works for you and your family, it could be a really good thing.

Another good thing about holidays? They come every year. So if you aren’t happy with the outcome, just do something different next year. No harm, no foul. Call it a Thanksgiving social experiment.

Some other things to keep in mind:

-Start having the holiday game plan conversation in advance. You and your partner might have a good balance of how to handle your daily routine, but holidays are their own thing and require a discussion. This also goes for Easter, 4^th of July, your family reunions, Super Bowl parties, etc.

-It’s easy to just say “Your house, your rules”. But in my experience, that only leads to drama. Set your boundaries early and clearly. If you are traveling and want to stay at a hotel rather than your parents’ guest room or vice versa, it’s ok. If you need to block out time with just your immediately family, or even just time alone, it’s ok. Refer back to our Holiday Survival post.

-You don’t have to do the same thing every year; that includes parades, Santa photos, running 5Ks, preparing the same dishes, etc.

-If you are going to establish family traditions, make sure they are things that energize you and your family. Nothing’s worse that forcing your kids to do something they see no value in.

-Actualize that people show up in their own way. So if your kids are older and only want to hang around cousins their age, it’s ok. If you have a family member that only wants to dine and dash, it’s ok.

-It’s okay to introduce something new to the itinerary. This could be a family project, a stress-buster, or post-dinner outing.

Happy Holidays!

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